The cheese had hair on it. He reached for it anyway. It tried to bite him. He pulled his hand back, grabbing a pickle jar from the shelf above. The shelf the cheese was on was too small for him to use it as an effective weapon, though.
He lured it out by reaching in and wiggling his fingers a few inches away. He wasn't sure if it was mobile, actually, but it turned out it was, although not very fast. It seemed to be pulling itself along the shelf by grabbing the bars of the rack above it with the hair.
It wasn't very bright, though. When it reached the end of the shelf, it realized too late its predicament. It teetered, trying frantically to keep its balance and failing. It fell forward(facefirst?)onto the kitchen floor.
Stanard brought the jar down on it with all his might. The jar cracked. Jesus, he thought. That thing is hard. He brought it down again and the bottom splintered, splattering the cheese with pickle juice and dill. Where the glass was sharp, though, it seemed to have pierced the surface of the creature. So he kept stabbing at it with the now-jagged jar. The cheese hadn't yet regained its balance, and was flailing its hair frantically to little effect. Finally, after several more stabs with the jar, the hair stopped waving and settled down to the ground.
Stanard went to the counter and got a cleaver. Should've thought of that before, he thought. He poked it carefully into the cheese, until it emerged from the other end. He started slicing it up, being careful around the center. As he reduced it further, he found what he was looking for. He carefully removed the last of the cheese to reveal a slightly-damaged walnut-shell.
That done, he got a nutcracker and cracked open the shell. The halves fell away to reveal a large uncut sapphire.
He held it up and grinned. "The feds aren't gonna get you, baby."
Based on the words: Hair Cheese Sapphire Walnut
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The Den of Ubiquity/ Aaron V. Humphrey / email@example.com