Cooking From Hell

Kagnna picked up the remote control and turned the TV on.

"So, as I see it, the United States has no alt--" CLICK
"--down, no payment until 20--" CLICK
"Do you think I use too much blush?" CLICK
"--prey is the common cave newt, a deceptively--" CLICK
"--Cooking From Hell."

"This looks interesting," he thought, settling back to watch. Cooking was one of his secret vices, but none of his roommates were home, so he was safe to enjoy it. Weird title though--he must have misheard.

A bright, cheery woman appeared on the screen. She had red hair that almost looked like it was aflame, and her eyes glinted red as well. "Hi, I'm Jewel Hell, and welcome to Cooking From Hell. Tonight we're going to be preparing one of my favourite dishes, and I think it'll become your favourite too."

The camera panned across the counter in front of her. "Okay, for this one you'll need some lard...cake flour--not all-purpose, but cake flour...nutmeg, paprika, ginger, and cayenne pepper...grapes, either red or green as long as they're seedless or you're willing to do a little work yourself to pit them all...cake sprinkles--get lots of them, 'cause this should use more than one standard-sized container...green peppers--one large one, or two or three small ones...and moose meat, preferably fresh, although venison can be substituted if necessary, making this a good one for hunters.

"Alright. Dip the moose meat in the flour, until it's thoroughly covered. Then coat it with the cake sprinkles. Crush about half of the grapes, and add the spices. This should make a good marinade, and you may want to try this with other meat dishes as well. If you don't have enough to cover all the meat, you might want to stretch it out with some teriyaki sauce. In this Tupperware container, I have some that I've been marinading since last night, although you can keep it in the marinade for up to a week if you have to.

"Now--this is the important part--cut the tops off the green peppers. Do not< remove the seeds. Spoon in lard until it's about half-full. Then bake them in the oven on low heat--about 175 Fahrenheit--for about twelve hours. Check them every couple of hours or so, and add more lard if necessary.

"Then add in the marinaded meat, and the rest of the grapes. Bake it at 260 for another hour, and then serve. I have some right here that should be getting ready right now." On cue, a gentle ping started in the background. "There it is." She pulled out a deep casserole dish and lifted off the lid. She sniffed it and let out a sigh of pleasure. "Just right." Then she tilted it so that the camera could get a good look into it.

Then she started to eat it, but Kagnna didn't see that part. He was too busy running for the toilet, vomit trickling out of the corner of his mouth.

<This one is for talk.bizarre's own net.asshole, Roger David Carasso. In an offhand moment, he offered me(at least I think it was me--he spelt my name wrong) the words

alt food grape lard

It took me a while to figure out what to do with alt, but the rest was easy...>

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The Den of Ubiquity/ Aaron V. Humphrey / alfvaen@gmail.com