So he kept her up in a tower, where he made sure that no-one approached her
Well, naturally, word got around, probably through the mistress, as to what the situation was with the king's daughter, so all sorts of riffraff came to the castle to get a crack at her.
This annoyed the king terribly, so he came up with a way to get rid of these people who were camping out around his castle, smoking controlled substances, trying to scale the walls of the tower, and frolicking in the nude, right where his daughter could see them. He'd already had to answer some embarrassing questions from her.
He decided to set up a series of rather lethal tests for his daughter's hand, which any prospective suitors would have to pass. He made them so difficult that he figured they'd all get killed off sooner or later.
First, he employed the greatest knight in his kingdom to joust with any comers on the meadows before the castle. This knight also happened to be gay, so the king had no fear he would try anything with his daughter, and what he did with the corpses afterwards was his own business.
Second, he dug a moat around the castle and filled it with crocodiles specially imported at exorbitant expense from Egypt, to snap up any who tried to swim across.
Third, he purchased a cheetah and set it to prowling around the area outside the walls of the castle and within the moat. He knew that it could race around the castle in less time than it would take to cross from the moat to the walls.
Sure enough, the number of the suitors decreased, but the greater challenge brought many from far and wide to show what idiots they were. They perished in droves. The knight satisfied himself on their corpses, which he then threw to the crocodiles. Those that washed up on the far shore were eaten by the cheetah. And thus things remained for several months.
Princess Tavormina enjoyed the rare spectacle she saw with the suitors. She didn't realize what was really happening, of course. She thought her father had arranged the whole thing for her entertainment. She was, obviously, incredibly naive, since all her father let her read were Harlequin Romances, which bore no resemblance to the life she was living.
One day a particular warrior by the name of Bree came to the castle. First he saw the knight, who also saw him. The knight rode down upon him and said, "You must joust with me. If you defeat me, you may go forward to the moat. If you do not, then I will sodomize your corpse."
Bree said nothing, merely mounted the horse provided and shouldered the lance. But Bree had brought a tranquilizer gun with him. At the proper moment in the knight's charge, he shot the knight's horse, which toppled to the ground. The knight, overburdened by his armour, lay helpless and winded on the ground as Bree walked up to him, lifted up his visor, borrowed his sword, and slit his throat.
Bree then stripped the armour from the knight and dragged him and his horse to the moat, where he pushed them into the water. As the crocodiles all gathered on one side of the moat, he ran over to the other side and swam swiftly across.
As he climbed out of the water, he saw the cheetah rushing towards him. Without a pause, he pulled out a bola and threw it at the cheetah's legs. The cat stumbled and went down, and Bree clubbed it with a nearby stone and threw it into the moat as well.
Then Bree scaled the wall into the tower where the princess waited.
The king surveyed the carnage and ran upstairs to Tavormina's room, where he found her shuddering to her first orgasm with Bree atop her. He was paralyzed with rage as Bree calmly dismounted her and said, "I have defeated your three test, O king, and I have claimed your daughter as my prize." The king rushed at him, blind with rage, but Bree nimbly stepped aside and threw him out the tower window, where he joined the knight, his horse, and the cheetah.
Bree ruled the land as king thereafter, with Tavormina at his side and in his bed. The king's old mistress was exiled, and ended up walking the streets in far cities. And they all lived happily ever after.
Based on the words: Castle Joust Crocodile Cheetah
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The Den of Ubiquity/ Aaron V. Humphrey / email@example.com