Grooveydom's
Alt.Fun.With.Luc's
Bovine Domination Chronicles

(music by Udder Circle)

[graphic over: "12:36 am, 20 January 1996, New Orleans prefect, the Dominion of Cowland"]

[interior: inside of squad car]

Jackbooted Cow of Authority #1: We're getting a code 205, unauthorized use of a Big Mac, from the human township, the area that used to be called "Metairie." We're in pursuit.

[sirens, incidental music]

Jackbooted Cow of Authority #2: Suspect is armed with a Russian rifle and two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun. The sick bastard. It's a good thing they made Miranda rights optional in the transition period.

[shot of wild-eyed anarchist who only wants a quick burger nosh before beddy-bye]

Anarchist: You'll never take me, coppers! I _deserve_ a break today!!

JCA #1: [voice over] We forcibly entered the domicile.

(*THWUMP*)

JCA #2: Still got some kick in them ol' hooves, eh, constable?

JCA #1: In the old days, I was on Chuck Norris's dairy farm in Oconomowoc.

[We interrupt this episode of "COWS!" to update you on the emerging revolutionary consensus on Cowpital Hill. For the latest, Bill Plante in Washington.]

Bill: The cow order appears now to be fully established here in Cowland with the passage of the "Cows Good, Humans Bad Act of 1996." By a majority vote in the House of Cowmons, the act stampeded to victory. There was some complaint about the voting procedure along the way, as the new rules of the house grant one casting vote for each teat. The cow authority enabling act passed by a show of teats, and the vote was 19837 to 46. The Not A Cow Party opposition was almost unanimous, but there was some crossover, largely having to do with the defection of the Women's Caucus, which felt "strangely empowered" by the new voting rules, according to CBS's sources.

Another factor in the stunning bovine victory was the continued support of the renegade Cowbecois members of the House, whose leader, now known as Lucien _Moochard_ immediately called for a referendum proclaiming bleating and guttural animal intonations as the "official language" of his province.

Not A Cow Party leader Newt Gingrich resigned in the face of the passage of the act, and is now reputedly in his riding in Cobb County, Georgia, where he is said to be learning how to chew a cud. The new leader of the party is Robert Dole, who is apparently moving toward the center to consolidate his power on the opposition. Mr. Dole was heard to remark on the floor of the House, "Hell, I don't care what the hell you are, as long as you don't expect me to be nice or something."

The mood is, of course, tense, and there are rumors of rebellion by the lactose intolerant. But for the moment, the bovine corporatist state appears to be the nation's reality. No choice remains for a once-proud people but regular, 2 percent or acidophilus. Yet, if one species can enslave us, perhaps another may deliver us. And so, an anxious nation asks, "is anyone really keeping an eye on the lemurs?"

Is anyone indeed? From the Cowpital, this is Bill Plante.

Wink: Yes, it's Bovine Bowl, where three hapless humans battle wits with their intellectual superiors in a pitiful attempt to demonstrate any kind of native intelligence which might rival that of their cow masters! I'm your host, Wink Milkindale!

[cheers, applause, low gutteral animal intonations]

Wink: Okay! Today we have three challengers from Carleton University in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada. Tell us you names if you will...contestant number one?

Steve: Hi, I'm Steve Abson. My hobbies are designing nonsense languages and complete randomness. Narf!

Wink: Contestant number two?

Janine: Hi, I'm Janine Jean. My hobbies are left-handed firefighters and escaping dualism. I'm also devastating in my spare time.

Wink: And contestant number three?

Jessica: Hi, I'm Jessica Cohen. My hobby is beable.

Wink: Ah, I see, and what is that, exactly?

Jessica: No one knows.

Wink: Whoa-kay. Now the three of you will be competing against Daisy, Lulubelle and Clara from the Millington collectivized dairy farm in central Michigan. You have selected to answer questions pertaining to chaos theory. Are you ready? Okay, let's go...hands on buzzers... The question is: Fran Tarkenton was a football player...

(*BUZZ*)

Wink: Yes, Jessica from Carleton...

Jessica: The Minnesota Vikings?

Wink: Ah, bad luck, you didn't let me finish the question. Fran Tarkenton was a football player for the Minnesota Vikings in the 1970s. If you spell his first name backward...

(*BUZZ*)

Wink: Yes, Steve from Carleton...

[We interrupt this amusing game show for more on the consolidation of bovine power in the nation's capital. Bill Plante is standing by in Washington, which has just been renamed Cowtown by a parliamentary Act.]

Bill: The transition to bovine hegemony has just taken a rather odd turn. In response to a claimed threat to the new regime by "Canadian arachnids" of a particularly revisionist sort, martial law has been declared throughout Cowland. The CBS news bureau has learned that the threat emanates from a private residence in Ontario, and the provincial government has apparently sent troops to "neutralize" the individual spiders responsible for the destabilization effort. The provincial authorities have called upon special forces leader Erik "Blood And Guts" Haines to quell the disturbance. "We knew we could trust Erik," provincial premier Mike Harris was reported to say, "his unswerving obedience to all authority figures meant he was the only man for the job.

Source say that the strongman, who is also known by the rather iconoclastic sobriquet of "Bug," has connections to the as yet unidentified individual whose high demand for cheese products has disrupted the balance of power in the Western hemisphere. This is at this point mere speculation.

An interesting skirmish in the Cowland Parliament today made that balance even more precarious, as the Feminist Caucus caused a stir by pointing out something rather interesting about the new government.

[scene: The floor of the Cowland Parliament]

Mr. COWTIEN: And so, successive generations, I believe, will look to us as the generation which moved boldly forward and passed the Official Switching To Pork Act of 1996...

[cheers; cries of "Moo! Moo!"]

The SPEAKER: Recognizing the honorable member from Denver...

Ms. SCHROEDER: (*smiling*) Will the honorable minister yield to a question?

Mr. COWTIEN: Certainly.

Ms. SCHROEDER: (*still smiling*) Mr. Prime Minister, honorable members of the House...it was occurring to a bunch of us the other day that there is something odd here...

Mr. COWTIEN: Odd, Ms. Schroeder?

Ms. SCHROEDER: (*yet still smiling*) Yes, quite odd. I wonder if you will indulge me as to state what it was, exactly...

Mr. COWTIEN: But of course.

Ms. SCHROEDER: (*it is frankly amazing that anyone can smile this much*) I appreciate the gesture, you are most kind...

Mr. COWTIEN: Not at all. So what was it that you found odd, Ms. Schroeder?

Ms. SCHROEDER: (*I mean, doesn't her face hurt or anything, smiling like that? It's unnatural, I tell you*) Well, it was this...

Mr. COWTIEN: Yes?

Ms. SCHROEDER: Well...aren't all of you cows technically _women_?

Mr. COWTIEN: I beg your pardon?

Ms. SCHROEDER: Women...a cow is, more or less, well...kind of default female, if you catch my meaning...

Mr. COWTIEN: Ms. Schroeder, you are being somewhat oblique. Could you come to the point?

Ms. SCHROEDER: Well, it's sort of a logical syllogism...cows = females...you = a cow...I think you can now see where I'm leaning with this one...

[rustling of papers; murmurs]

Mr. COWTIEN: Mr. Speaker, I should like to move a 15 minute recess for the purpose of conferring with fellow party members...

[back to Bill Plante in front of the Cowpital]

Bill: So you can see, there is disarray in the government tonight as the majority party contemplates the fact that many of the party's leaders appear to be the opposite sex from the one they thought they were. More news as it comes to use. You are watching the Cowlumbia Broadcasting System.