SIMMONS AND CHURCH ARE STANDING NEXT TO EACH OTHER NEAR A
BASE.

Simmons: Hi, I'm private Simmons.

Church: And I'm private Church. We're from the... well you know where the hell we're from so we'll skip that part.

Simmons: That's right, we have something important to discuss so we'll get right to it. Some of you may have see on recent entertainment T.V. programs that the (tone of sarcasm) actress Tara Reid had a slight wardrobe malfunction. Apparently her dress uh, malfunctioned, and one of her surgically enhanced breasts was revealed to the world.

Church: Now after hearing about this or seeing the censored photos on your TV screens you may be tempted to find the uncensored pictures on the internet. We are here to STRONGLY encourage you to AVOID THAT TEMPTATION.

Simmons: You don't want to end up like Tucker, do you?

CUT TO TUCKER LAYING ON THE GROUND CURLED IN THE FETAL POSTITION AND WIMPERING SOFTLY.

Tucker: The horror... the horror...

CUT BACK TO SIMMONS AND CHURCH.

Church: We tried to warn you dumbass.

Simmons: He may be blue, but no one deserves to see that mutilated boobie. (SIGHS DEEPLY) Another otherwise attractive Hollywood actress turns herself into a freakshow.

Church: There are many reasons why women should NOT get breast implants. Number one, you don't need 'em. Keep in mind who your target audience is. You could staple a pair of oranges to a telephone pole and we'd try to date it.

Simmons: Exactly. We're guys, *any* *boobs* *will do*.

Church: Secondly, great big porno boobs are like super-nutty quadruple fudge frosted icecream with chocolate syrup on top. It's good for about 30 seconds, then you get sick of it and remember how much you loved good old vanilla.

Simmons: You're crazy icecream is good for a little while, but vanilla is good forever. You're never not in the mood for vanilla.

Church: And once you go for the giganto-knockers there's no going back. Ever seen what they look like after the implants have been taken out? Ever seen those naked tribeswomen in National Geographic?

Simmons: That's disgusting.

Church: That's exactly what those tribeswomen would say.

Simmons: The third reason you should be happy with what you have is that fake boobs will never be classy. No matter what you wear you'll always look like the kind of woman who charges by the hour.

Church: Nicole Kidman? Classy.

Simmons: Charlize Theron? Classy.

Church: Angelina Jolie? Crazy, but classy.

Simmons: Pamela Anderson?

Church and Simmons in unison: Not classy!

Simmons: And this has nothing to do with size either. *Natural* is the key word.

Church: Look at Tex, she's fuckin' hideous and has made no attempt to make herself even slightly less beastly but she's alllllll natural and that's what makes her attractive.

A SNIPER SHOT BLOWS THROUGH THE HEAD OF CHURCH'S ROBOT BODY AND IT FALLS TO THE GROUND LEAVING HIS GHOST STANDING THERE.

Simmons: I have to admit that her talent for killing does make me a little tingly.

Sarge: Simmons? Has that darned Freelancer overrun my fortified bunker in your heart?

Simmons: Oh Sarge, I....

SARGE TURNS HIS BACK TO SIMMONS.

Sarge: You know Lopez would never betray me like this.

End