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PSA 3 - "Femail"
by J. McDougald.
AS ALWAYS GRIF IS STANDING NEAR HIS
BASE, BUT THIS TIME HE IS ALONE.
Grif: Hi, I'm Grif and I'm here to
talk to you about something very important. I recieved a letter
the other day and I'd like to read it to you.
GRIF LOOKS DOWN AS IF READING FROM
A PIECE OF PAPER.
Grif: Dear Grif, you are the most
beautiful man I have ever seen. When I see you on TV it makes
my heart beat faster and it feels like I can't catch my breath.
I lost my job as a swimsuit model because I couldn't stop day-dreaming
about you. That's okay though, now I can just sit around all
day and imagine what our life together would be like. We would
play footsie under the table while we eat. I could wash your
armor for you. We would have lots and lots of babies. I know
I've never met you, but I know I'm completely in love with you
Grif. When you look at the naked pictures of myself please note
that I am willing to undergo any form of plastic surgery or augmentation
that you may feel is necessary. Yours always, Tyra Banks.
GRIF LOOKS BACK UP AT THE CAMERA.
Grif: Now I won't say letters like
those aren't flattering, but I still have to ask all you to stop.
All you ladies out there that feel this way, just try your best
to get over me. I wouldn't make an issue out of it but I've received
several of these kind of letters in the last few weeks. I know
that I am a gorgeous man, a heroic man, a man truely without
equal, but you must push all that aside. I am a soldier, married
to combat, and divorced only by incoming enemy fire.
CUT TO:
SIMMONS AND SARGE ARE STANDING A
LITTLE WAYS AWAY, LOOKING AT GRIF FILM HIS P.S.A.
Simmons: You've *got* to be kidding
me.
Sarge: Divorced by incoming fire,
I like that.
CUT TO:
GRIF, WHO CONTINUES.
Grif: I can understand you wanting
to send me naked pictures of yourselves, and I can understand
the love you have for me. *I feel it too.* But I have to draw
the line at having children with you. It just wouldn't be right
for me to abuse my position as a sex symbol to take advantage
of you like that.
CUT TO:
PROFILE SHOT OF GRIF WHO CONTINUES
SPEAKING. IN THE BACKGROUND WE SEE SARGE AND SIMMONS, THEY TURN,
LOOK AT EACH OTHER FOR A MOMENT, THEN TURN BACK TO LOOK AT GRIF.
Grif: Think about what other children
would feel like when they were around our smarter, more beautiful
children. Dumb and ugly, that's what, and that's just not fair.
CUT TO:
SIMMONS AND SARGE.
Simmons: Man, why does he get all
the chick mail?
CUT TO:
GRIF, STILL CHATTERING AWAY.
Grif: It'll be hard but I think it
would be best if you'd just, you know, marry some weird looking
drugged out rockstar and try to move past your feelings for me.
I'm sorry, but there can never be anything between us. Unless
you're Nicole Kidman, in which case ignore everything I've said
and mail me anytime you want. I *loved* your work in Moulin Rouge...
CUT TO:
THE CLIFF ABOVE RED BASE. WE SEE
CHURCH, TUCKER AND TEX ALL GATHERED THERE. CHURCH HAS THE SNIPER
RIFLE AND HE LOWERS IT AS HE TURNS TO TALK TO THE OTHER TWO.
Tucker: My god, this guy is the biggest
tool in the universe.
Tex: How long have you been sending
him those letters?
Church: About three weeks now. I
already know how the next one is going to begin.
CHURCH BEGINS TALKING IN A HIGH PITCHED
GIRL VOICE.
Church: Dear Grif, I saw your show
the other day and just had to write to you....
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