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PSA 4 - "Santa's Dead"
by J. McDougald.
MEDIUM SHOT OF CABOOSE STANDING IN
THE OPEN, THE NEARBY BASE IS IN THE BACKGROUND.
Caboose: Hello. It's me! Caboose!
and I have something important to tell you...
ZOOM IN TO CLOSE UP.
Caboose: ...about Santa Claus! I
have... terrible news.
HIS BREATH HITCHES AS IF HE'S TRYING
DESPERATELY TO HOLD BACK TEARS.
Caboose: There... is no Santa Claus!
It's all just a lie! A big stinky lie!
IN THE BACKGROUND WE SEE A RED PLAYER,
SIMMONS, EMERGE FROM THE FRONT DOOR OF THE BASE. HE STOPS, LOOKS
IN CABOOSES DIRECTION FOR A MOMENT, THEN TURNS AND DISAPPEARS
BACK INSIDE.
Caboose: How do I know there is no
Santa? Church... told me. Church would not lie to me. He is my
friend. That is why he told me. I was so angry I just walked
and walked and walked but then I got tired and sat down. Then
I got back up and walked back home. It is sad sad news, but I
thought you should know. The others are always making these movies
so I thought I would too.
IN THE BACKGROUND WE SEE SIMMONS
AND GRIF EMERGE FROM THE DARK INTERIOR OF THE BASE AND STOP JUST
OUTSIDE THE DOOR. THEY BOTH ARE LOOKING IN CABOOSE'S DIRECTION.
Caboose: You might be sad and that
is okay. I was sad too. When I cried Church told me that crying
was okay too. Church told me that a long time ago Santa was on
his way to deliver presents when he was sucked into the engine
of a spaceship and he died. Poor Santa.
CUT TO CLOSER SHOT OF CABOOSE FROM
THE LEFT SIDE.
Caboose: (evil voice) Santa, you
shall be avenged!
CUT BACK TO ORIGINAL MEDIUM SHOT.
WE CAN SEE SIMMONS AND GRIF ARE NOW STANDING TO CABOOSE'S LEFT
BOTH WITH WEAPONS AIMED AT HIM.
Simmons: Hey blue, what the hell
are you doing here?
CABOOSE WHIRLS AROUND AND SEES THE
TWO REDS, HE JERKS BACK IN SURPRISE.
Caboose: Ah! What are you reds doing
at our base?
Grif: What? You're at the red base
moron.
CABOOSE TURNS AND LOOKS BEHIND HIM
AT THE BASE.
Caboose: Ooooh, oops. Uh, sorry.
Simmons: You're damn right your sorry
you blue bastard.
NOW WE SEE SARGE RUNNING UP TO THE
GROUP.
Sarge: Simmons! Grif! What the hell
is this blue guy doin' here? Are we under attack?
Grif: No Sarge, I think this idiot
walked back to our base thinking it was his.
Sarge: Hogwash! It's got to be a
trap of some kind!
SARGE WALKS CLOSER TO CABOOSE AND
LEVELS HIS SHOTGUN AT HIS HEAD.
Sarge: This is probably all part
of some brilliant blue attack strategy which will likely result
in our complete destruction!
Simmons: I dunno Sarge, if I remember
correctly this is the blue guy who's, you know, their version
of Donut.
Caboose: You have donuts! I looooooove
donuts! Are they sprinkly? Can I have one?
Sarge: That's exactly what they want
you to believe Simmons. Diabolical.
Caboose: Pleeeeeeease! Pretty pretty
please!
Grif: We don't have any goddamn donuts!
GRIF TURNS TO SIMMONS.
Grif: I'm starting to wish we did
though. Maybe we can requisition some for the next re-supply
drop.
Sarge: Quiet you two! We need to
find out from this spy exactly what those blue devils are up
to! Boy you better tell us the blues secret plans or I'm gonna
have Simmons go fetch me my pliers! We'll see how you like having
your nose hairs pulled out *one* *by* *one*...
Caboose: No! That sounds like it
would hurt alot!
Sarge: That's the general idea dirtbag.
Then I'll go get my machete and...
CABOOSE GASPS.
Sarge: Shave off your eyebrows!
Caboose: *Both* of them?
Sarge: Yyyyyes! Then we'll start
pulling the hairs out of the tops of your toes!
Caboose: Noooooooooo! I uh uh uh.........
ah.
CABOOSE STOPS WHIMPERING AND GOES
SILENT. HE LOOKS DOWN AT HIMSELF, THEN TURNS SLIGHTLY TO THE
LEFT, THEN TO THE RIGHT. NOW SARGE LOOKS DOWN TOO. CABOOSE STARTS
TURNING FARTHER TO THE RIGHT AND LEFT AS IF DANCING.
Sarge: Son what in the hell are you--
Caboose: Did you guys know THESE
PANTS ARE WATERPROOF?!?!
Simmons: What?
Grif: (groans) I think this guy just
pissed himself.
CABOOSE IS STILL SHUFFLING AROUND
INSIDE THE GROUP OF THE THREE REDS.
Caboose: Sloshy sloshy sloshy....
SIMMONS COCKS HIS WEAPON.
Simmons: That's it, game over blue.
Sarge: Nooooo! Don't shoot him! The
urine filling his suit is probably some kind of biological weapon!
Diabolical! We've been out manuevered men, retreat to the base!
SARGE AND SIMMONS RUN BACK TO THE
BASE AND DISAPPEAR INSIDE. GRIF IS STILL STANDING THERE. CABOOSE
TURNS TO FACE THE ORANGE MARINE.
Caboose: I'm going back to tell Church!
See you later!
CABOOSE RUNS OUT OF THE SHOT BACK
TOWARDS THE BLUE BASE. GRIF IS STILL STANDING THERE.
Grif: I should just stuff a grenade
in my helmet. That would do the trick. With my luck I'd probably
end up haunting this place for all eternity. (sighs)
GRIF TURNS AND FACES THE CAMERA,
LOOKS AT IT FOR A MOMENT THEN TURNS IN THE DIRECTION THAT CABOOSE
RAN OFF IN.
Grif: Hey blue! You forgot your camera!
Hey!
HE JUST LOOKS IN THAT DIRECTION FOR
A WHILE BEFORE LOOKING BACK. HE SLOWLY RAISES HIS RIFLE AND AIMS
INTO THE CAMERA.
Grif: (immitating the movie "Peacemaker")You
came in peace, but you go in peices.
HE FIRES A SHOT AND THE SCREEN GOES
BLACK AND ALL WE HERE IS AUDIO.
Grif (V.O.): Woohoo, one shot!
Simmons (V.O.): Hey Grif! Make sure
you get our video camera back from that guy!
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