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PSA 5 - "Pickin' Up
Chicks" by J. McDougald.
TUCKER IS STANDING NEAR THE BLUE
BASE.
Tucker: Hey everybody, Tucker here
with some valuable tips and tricks for pickin' up chicks.
CUT TO PROFILE SHOT OF CHURCH WHO'S
WATCHING TUCKER.
Church: This should be good.
CUT BACK TO TUCKER.
Tucker: Shut up man, you said you
wouldn't fuck this up for me.
Church (V.O.): Fine, I'm sorry, continue.
Tucker: Alright, first of all before
you can even think about picking up chicks you have to ask yourself
an important question.
Church (V.O.): Are you a big teal
colored Nancy?
Tucker: Fuck off Church! You're a
big Nancy!
CHURCH LAUGHS IN THE BACKGROUND,
BUT HIS LAUGHTER IS SHORT AS TUCKER RAISES HIS WEAPON AND BEGINS
SHOOTING IN CHURCH'S DIRECTION.
Church (V.O.): Goddamn it watch it
Tucker you almost blew my feet off!
TUCKER TURNS BACK TO THE CAMERA.
Tucker: Now the question you need
to ask yourself is, what kind of chicks are in my league? Now
if you're a guy like Caboose, your options are pretty limited.
CUT TO:
IT'S A WIDE SHOT OF THE WHOLE FRONT
AREA OF THE BASE. WE CAN SEE CABOOSE WHO'S STANDING NEXT TO THEIR
TREE LOOKING UP AT IT'S BRANCHES, THEN HE LOOKS DOWN AND AROUND
AS IF LOOKING FOR SOMETHING.
Caboose: Hmmm. Church said there
was a retarded monkey over here by the tree, but I can't see
him anywhere.
CUT BACK TO TUCKER.
Tucker: You're pretty much limited
to dating fruit, or someone who has to wear a hockey helmet *all
day long*. Basically, just hope you never lose your hands or
you'll never have sex again.
Caboose (V.O.): Mr. Monkey! Where
are yoooouuuuu?
Tucker: If you're a guy like Church...
Church (V.O.): Hey man...
Tucker: You should be fine, you just
need to find a chick who's a whiney little suck ass like you
and you'll live happily ever after.
Church (V.O.): That's not cool. I'm
not whiney.
Tucker: Now even if you're a chick
magnet like me there's some things you have to keep in mind.
The first thing you should do is, tell them something nice to
make them feel good about themselves. Tell 'em how good their
boobs look in that tube top or something. They like that stuff.
CUT TO:
TEX AND SHEILA ARE TOGETHER ON THE
OTHER SIDE OF THE BASE.
Church (V.O.): Hey Tex, come out
here! You probably wanna hear this!
TEX AND SHEILA TURN AND LOOK TO THE
RIGHT WHERE CHURCH'S VOICE IS COMING FROM, THEN LOOK AT EACH
OTHER FOR A SECOND, THEN HEAD OVER.
CUT TO:
TUCKER WHO IS STILL BY HIMSELF IN
A FAIRLY CLOSE UP SHOT.
Tucker: Now you have to have some
classic pickup lines ready, like...
CUT TO LEFT SIDE SHOT OF TUCKER.
Tucker: Hey baby, if I told you you
had a nice body would you show it to me? Or...
CUT TO RIGHT SIDE SHOT OF TUCKER.
Tucker: Are you tired? Because I've
been dreaming about having sex with you *all day*.
Church (V.O.): You're not even saying
them right!
CUT BACK TO REGULAR SHOT OF TUCKER,
FAIRLY CLOSE UP SO HE ALONE FILLS THE FRAME.
Tucker: Also remember that you should
make sure your armor is clean and shiney, and try to pick them
up in something cool. Like that car thing that the reds have.
That thing is pretty sweet and it has a huge gun on the back.
That will remind them of sex. Yeah that car thing is perfect
but...
CUT TO CLOSE UP OF CHURCH.
Church: Oh come on, you know what
he's going to say next.
CUT BACK TO TUCKER.
Tucker: Some vehicles just won't
work, there's *no way* your gonna pick up chicks in a tank.
THE TANKS GUN BARREL SWINGS INTO
VIEW WITH THE END OF THE BARREL NEARLY TOUCHING THE LEFT SIDE
OF TUCKERS HEAD.
Tucker: (PAUSES) Unless you're fortunate
enough to find a chick that *is* a tank.
HE TURNS BUT THE BARREL IS STILL
POINTED AT HIS MELON. HE TURNS BACK TO FACE THE CAMERA.
Tucker: And by chick I mean an intelligent
powerful woman who is every bit as capable as a man.
THE BARREL SWINGS AWAY. TUCKER TURNS
AND SEES THIS.
Tucker: Chicks are so touchy.
THIS TIME THE BARREL OF TEX'S SNIPER
RIFLE SWINGS INTO VIEW POINTED AT HIS HEAD FROM THE OTHER SIDE.
TUCKER TURNS AND SEES THIS.
Tucker: When I said chick I didn't
mean *you* Tex, you're more of, uh.....
Church (V.O.): You should choose
your next words very carefully Tucker.
Tucker: Uh... role... model?
THE SNIPER RIFLE SWINGS AWAY. TUCKER
TURNS BACK AND FACES THE CAMERA.
Tucker: Which brings me to my next
tip, most chicks are total whack-jobs!
TUCKER RUNS FORWARD AND TO THE RIGHT
OF THE CAMERA WHICH REMAINS MOTIONLESS. HE RUNS OUT OF THE SHOT,
THEN SHEILA DRIVES THROUGH THE SHOT FROM LEFT TO RIGHT CHASING
AFTER HIM. THE SNIPER RIFLE FIRES.
Tucker (V.O.): Hah! Missed bitch!
THE TANK GUN BOOMS.
Tucker (V.O.): Holy shit!
Caboose (V.O.): (scolding) You guys
are going to scare away the monkey!
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