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PSA 6 - "Gameshow"
by J. McDougald.
GRIF AND SIMMONS ARE STANDING NEAR
THE BASE FACING THE CAMERA.
Simmons: Hi, I'm--
CABOOSE COMES RUNNING THROUGH THE
SHOT FROM LEFT TO RIGHT BETWEEN THE REDS AND THE CAMERA.
Caboose: Gameshow time!
Simmons and Grif: Woohoo!
THE TWO REDS RUN OUT OF THE SHOT
HEADING IN THE SAME DIRECTION AS CABOOSE.
CUT TO: THE TOP OF THE RED BASE,
SARGE IS STANDING WITH HIS BACK TO ONE OF THE VERTICAL BLOCKS
THAT RING THE OUTER EDGE. TEX IS A FEW FEET TO THE RIGHT.
Sarge: Hello! And welcome to the
Price of Life!
IN THE BACKGROUND AN AUDIENCE CHEERS.
Sarge: Lets have a big welcome for
our first three contestants...
CUT TO: THREE SOLDIERS ARE STANDING
IN A ROW. FROM LEFT TO RIGHT IT'S DONUT, TUCKER AND CABOOSE.
Sarge: Donut, (Donut nods), Tucker
(Tucker nods), and Caboose (Caboose nods)! Alright Privates,
lets get down to business!
AUDIENCE CHEERS AGAIN.
Sarge: Boys, I'm gonna ask you a
series of questions and you try to answer them correctly. The
first person to buzz in after the question has been asked will
get a chance to answer it. You buzz in by shooting at that Doctor
guy who's standin' over there.
SARGE TURNS, THEN WE CUT TO DOC WHO'S
STANDING ALONE A SHORT DISTANCE FROM THE BASE.
Doc: I don't want to be negative
but I'm not sure this is such a good idea.
CUT BACK TO SARGE WHO IS STILL LOOKING
TOWARDS DOC.
Sarge: Nonsense, this is a great
idea.
BACK TO DOC.
Doc: Why not use Grif, you hate Grif,
remember?
Grif: (V.O.) Screw you Doc!
BACK TO SARGE.
Sarge: You make a powerful point
there Doc, but I'm going to have to say no. He may be a mental
abomination, but he's *our* mental abomination.
CUT TO GRIF AND SIMMONS STANDING
SIDE BY SIDE.
Grif: (sobbing) I knew he cared,
deep down inside.
Simmons: Grrrrr.
BACK TO SARGE.
Sarge: Contestants, the first person
to actually hit Doc with a bullet gets to try answering the question.
Every time you're right you win a delicious jar of mayonnaise.
If you answer incorrectly, Tex here will visciously bash you
in the head until you lose consciousness. At the end of the game
the one with the most jars of mayonnaise will take home our grand
prize! Tell 'em what they'll win Tex!
WE SEE TEX STEP FORWARD, THEN CUT
TO SHOT OF A SNIPER RIFLE LAYING ON THE GROUND.
Tex: (V.O.) A beautiful fifty caliber
S2 AM sniper rifle...
AUDIENCE OOOHS AND AAAAAHS.
Tex (V.O.): ...with variable power
scope.
CUT BACK TO TEX.
Tex: Included with the weapon is
fifty armor peircing bullets and a splendid limited edition naugahyde
carrying case autographed by Ann Coulter, one time Republican
lunatic but later known as the worlds most accomplished female
serial killer. Alright gentlemen, are we ready to play?
CUT TO THE CONTESTANTS WHO WIGGLE
LEFT AND RIGHT OR JUMP IN GLEE.
Donut / Tucker / Caboose: Yeah!
CUT TO SARGE.
Sarge: First question. For one jar
of mayonnaise, how do you spell.... warthog?
THE THREE TURN SLIGHTLY AND BEGIN
FIRING AT DOC.
CUT TO DOC, BULLETS ARE WHIZZING
PAST AND HITTING THE GROUND ALL AROUND HIM.
Doc: Ahhhhhhh!
A FEW MOMENTS GO BY, BUT NOT A SINGLE
BULLET FINDS THE MARK AND THE SHOOTING STOPS.
Tucker (V.O.): I need some more bullets.
------------------------------BREAK--------------------------------
DOC LOOKS ALL AROUND, THEN LOOKS
UP AT THE SKY.
Doc: Thanks God! I knew I could count
on you buddy!
Sarge (V.O.): Doc. Move closer.
Doc: Ffffffffffffffffffudge.
DOC WALKS CLOSER TO THE BASE.
Doc: That okay?
Sarge (V.O.): Yup!
CUT BACK TO SARGE.
Sarge: Okay, lets try that again.
How do you spell warthog?
CUT TO CONTESTANTS WHO BEGIN SHOOTING
AGAIN. THIS TIME WE HEAR DOC YELL OUT IN PAIN AND THE SHOOTING
STOPS.
Sarge: Who hit ya Doc?
Doc (V.O.): I'm pretty sure it was
Caboose.
Caboose (V.O.): Yay for me!
Sarge: Okay Caboose, spell warthog.
CUT TO CABOOSE.
Caboose: Uhm W,A,R.... T, uhm. H...
O, G.
Sarge (V.O.): That's correct! You
now have one jar of mayonnaise!
Caboose: Yay!
CUT TO CHURCH WHO'S JUMPING UP AND
DOWN.
Church: Go Caboose you magnificent
stupid bastard!
BACK TO SARGE.
Sarge: Alright, next question and
this one's a toughy. For one jar of mayonnaise, what is... Private
Church's first name?
WE REMAIN ON SARGE, BUT HEAR THE
SOUND OF THE CONTESTANTS FIRING IN THE BACKGROUND. SOON THERE
IS A PAINFUL HOWL FROM DOC.
Doc (V.O.): Tucker!
Sarge: What's your answer Tucker?
CUT TO TUCKER.
Tucker: His first name is Dexter!
Wait no I mean Leonard!
TEX WALKS UP AND SMASHES TUCKER IN
THE HEAD WITH THE BUTT OF HER ASSAULT RIFLE. HE CRUMPLES TO THE
GROUND.
Sarge: I'm sorry no, the answer we
were looking for was "he's blue so nobody cares".
Church (V.O.): Booooo!
Sarge: Our next contestant iiiiiis,
Simmons! Simmons come on up here and play The Price of Life!
CUT TO SIMMONS RUNNING PAST TUCKERS
BODY AND TAKING HIS PLACE BETWEEN DONUT AND CABOOSE.
Simmons: Woohoo!
SIMMONS LOOKS INTO THE CAMERA.
Simmons: Hi gramma! Look at me I'm
on the show! Woohoo!
CUT BACK TO SARGE.
Sarge: All right contestants, here's
our next question, for *two* jars of mayonnaise...
AUDIENCE OOOOOHS AS WE CUT TO A SHOT
OF THE THREE CONTESTANTS.
Sarge (V.O.): ...what is, the lowest
form of life on a forum posting board?
THE THREE OPEN FIRE, WE HEAR DOC
SCREAM.
Doc (V.O.): Simmons!
Simmons: Woohoo!
CUT TO SARGE.
Sarge: Alright Simmons, what's your
answer?
CUT BACK TO SIMMONS.
Simmons: Noobs are the lowest from
of life sir!
TEX WALKS UP AND BRAINS SIMMONS AND
HE FALLS NEXT TO TUCKER. CLOSE UP ON THE TWO INERT SOLDIERS.
Simmons: Ow.
Tucker: If it's any consolation dude,
I woulda said the same thing.
Simmons: It's not.
CUT BACK TO SARGE.
Sarge: Sorry Simmons, good answer
but not the correct answer. We were looking for "noobs
who spend all their time calling other noobs noobs".
Our next contestant is.... Grif! Come on up here boy!
GRIF RUNS UP TO STAND BETWEEN THE
OTHER CONTESTANTS, DONUT AND CABOOSE.
Grif: Yeah ha! Big money! Big money!
Sarge: For one jar, your question
is, in the M808B battle tank there are six pedals-
CABOOSE GROANS.
Sarge: -what is the purpose of the
farthest left pedal?
CUT TO: THE CONTESTANTS AS THEY BEGIN
SHOOTING, CABOOSE ISN'T FIRING, HE'S JUST LOOKING AT THE GROUND.
Doc (V.O.): Ow! Oh fiddle sticks!
Aim above the waist next time Grif you jerk!
Grif: You liked it.
Sarge: Okay, Grif, what does the
sixth pedal control?
CUT TO SHOT OF GRIF, WHO REMAINS
MOTIONLESS WHILE:
Church (V.O. / IMITATING GRIF): The
radio?
Sarge: Wrong, git 'em Tex.
Grif: Hey wait! That wasn't me!
TEX BASHES THE ORANGE MARINE AND
HE CRUMPLES TO THE GROUND.
CUT TO: SHOT OF GRIF ON THE GROUND,
HE'S LAYING BETWEEN SIMMONS AND TUCKER.
Grif: Goddamn you blues!
Tucker: (laughs) Sucks to be you
bitch.
Grif: When I regain the use of my
limbs I'm totally kicking all your asses.
CUT TO SARGE
Sarge: Welcome to the Price of Life!
If you're just joining us, Caboose is the only one to get an
answer right so that means all our other contestants are at least
slightly dumber than he is.
CUT TO TUCKER, GRIF, AND SIMMONS
LAYING ON THE GROUND. SIMMONS IS SOFTLY WEEPING.
Tucker (trying to hold back tears):
Dude, that was not cool.
Grif: It's like he stabbed me right
through the soul.
BACK TO SARGE:
Sarge: And our next contestant is....
CUT TO: Camera which is sweeping
back and forth over the crowd, which is composed of Church and
Lopez. Sheila is farther away in the background. Finally the
camera stops on Church and zooms in on him.
CUT TO: SARGE
Sarge: Church! Come on down to the
Price of Life!
CUT TO CHURCH RUNNING UP. HE PAUSES
TO LOOK DOWN AT SIMMONS AND TUCKER, THEN TURNS BACK TOWARDS SARGE.
Church: Ah what do I care, I'm already
dead.
Sarge: For one jar of mayonnaise,
how many... games can you play on a Mac?
STAY ON SARGE, EVERYONE STARTS SHOOTING,
DOC SCREAMS.
Doc (V.O.): Donut!
Sarge: Okay Donut, what's it gonna
be?
CUT TO DONUT.
Donut: There's six games!
TEW WALKS UP AND BEATS HIM UNCONCIOUS.
Sarge: Boy, you guys aren't doing
so well. You better start getting some of these right. The answer
was *five*, there are five games available for the Mac. Photoshop
does *not* count.
Donut (RASPY PAINFUL VOICE OVER):
I was betrayed by Gus. Avenge me!
Sarge: Well who's our next contestant
going to be?
CUT TO: LOPEZ IS STANDING ALL BY
HIMSELF NOW. HE TAKES A LOOK TO EITHER SIDE, THEN LOOKS BACK
UP TOWARDS SARGE. CUT BACK TO SARGE.
Sarge: Come on up here Lopez!
WE SEE LOPEZ COME UP THE RAMP AND
STAND WHERE DONUT JUST WAS.
Lopez (IN SPANISH): How can I answer?
You don't understand Spanish.
Sarge (V.O.): (laughs) Heh heh, I
don't know what you said but I'll bet you're right.
Lopez: I'm screwed.
CUT TO SARGE.
Sarge: alright, next question. Who
has all the filthiest sluts on the internet?
WE HEAR SHOOTING, DOC SCREAMS.
Doc (V.O.): Chuh... Church.
CUT TO CHURCH.
Church: That's Grif! Grif has all
the filthiest sluts on the internet!
AGAIN TEX WALKS UP, THIS TIME TO
KNOCK CHURCH DOWN.
CUT TO SARGE.
Sarge: Sorry, the answer is Hans
Gruber with his German site "Das Poopin".
Church (V.O.): No fair!
Grif (V.O.): (sobs) Damn you Hans!
Slut stealer! I just couldn't afford the dental plan he was offering.
Damn you and your superior European health care!
Sarge: Okay, Lopez, Caboose, looks
like it's down to you two. One of you will be walking away with
this exquisite long range weapon, the other will receive a severe
blow to the cranium. Lets play! The question is... according
to Grif... what is the numeric value of a bakers dozen?
CUT TO CABOOSE AND LOPEZ, CABOOSE
IS SHOOTING BUT LOPEZ IS NOT.
Doc (V.O.): Ahhhhhh! Nice shot Caboose!
Caboose: Thanks for standing so still!
Doc (V.O.): No problem.
Sarge (V.O.): You're in the lead
with one jar of mayonnaise, what's your answer Caboose?
Caboose: Can I have my jar of mayonnaise
now? I'm hungry.
Sarge (V.O.): Is that your final
answer?
Caboose: Yes. I would like eat some
mayonnaise now.
TEX WALKS OVER AND SMASHES HIM. CABOOSE
FALLS TO THE GROUND BUT THERE IS A SECOND METALLIC CLUNKING NOISE.
TEX LOOKS DOWN TO SEE WHAT IT WAS.
Tex: What the hell did he drop?
THE GRENADE EXPLODES AND TEX YELLS
AS SHE FLIES UP OUT OF THE FRAME. HER YELL FADES AWAY. CUT TO
SARGE.
Sarge: Good golly miss Molly! (sadly)
I was just starting to like her. A woman like that could make
a man forget all about killin'.
TEXS YELL FADES BACK IN AND HER BODY
LANDS ON SARGE, SQUASHING HIM TO THE GROUND. HE YELLS THEN BOTH
ARE SILENT.
LOPEZ LOOKS AROUND AT ALL THE HUMANS
THAT NOW LAY ALTERNATELY GROANING OR COMPLAINING ON THE GROUND,
THEN LOOKS OVER AT SHEILA.
Lopez: I wonder if there is still
a need to declare war on them. It seems kind of redundant.
Sheila: Wow, an entire episode where
neither of us was possessed, kidnapped or blown up. (sexily)
Let's go celebrate.
FADE TO BLACK
Lopez: I am yours to do with as you
please, my mechanical love.
Sheila: Well, I don't think Tucker
will be using his rock for a while....
LONG PAUSE, THEN:
Sarge: Help control the idiot population.
Don't forget to spay and neuter your Privates!
All the other soldiers: HEY!
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