|
"Fake Episode 41"
by J. McDougald.
BACK IN BLOODGULTCH TEX IS STANDING
NEXT TO SHEILA WATCHING DONUT DOING DONUTS IN O'MALLEY'S ABANDONED
ALIEN VEHICLE.
Sheila: He makes it hard for me to
respect your species.
Tex: Every once in a while evolution
takes a step backwards. Darwinism should weed him out shortly,
hopefully before he gets a chance to pee in the gene pool.
Sheila: Do you think we'll get to
see that happen?
Tex: If we're lucky.
DONUT IS GOING AROUND AND AROUND
IN A CONTINUOUS LEFT HAND TURN. SUDDENLY HE GROANS AND VEERS
OFF, CAREENING INTO A LARGE ROCK. THE VEHICLE FLIPS AND HE IS
THROWN OUT. HE LAYS MOTIONLESS ON THE GROUND.
Tex and Sheila: Woohoo!
DONUT STANDS UP.
Tex: Damn.
Sheila: Awwww.
Donut: I think I crushed my man berries.
Tex and Sheila: Woohoo!
ON SIDEWINDER CHURCH AND GRIF ARE
STILL LOCKED IN THE CELL. THE SAGE COLORED MARINE IS STANDING
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BARS.
Sage Guard: Scumbucket!
Grif: Give it up man.
Sage Guard: Sleezeball!
GRIF GROANS.
Sage Guard: Pizzaface!
ANOTHER GUARD, THIS ONE GRAY, WALKS
UP TO STAND NEXT TO THE FIRST.
Sage Guard: Bonehead!
NOW GRAY TURNS TO LOOK AT SAGE, WHO
IS STILL LOOKING AT CHURCH ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BARS.
Sage: Dumbass!
Gray: You really need a new assignment.
SAGE TURNS TO FACE GRAY.
Sage: The blue guy is a robot, and
if you give him certain commands he does funny shit! Watch!
SAGE AND GRAY TURN BACK TO LOOK THROUGH
THE BARS.
Grif: This is cruel and unusual punishment.
You need to ask yourself, what would Mahatma Ghandi do in a situation
like this?
Sage: Dirtbag!
CHURCH BEEPS, WALKS OVER AND BASHES
GRIF OVER THE HEAD.
Grif: Ow!
Gray: Awesome! Let me! Let me!
GRIF TURNS TO CHURCH.
Grif: This time hit me hard enough
to kill me.
Church: The programming only allows
me to annoy.
Gray: Dirtbag!
IN THE RED TELEPORTER NEXUS SARGE,
SIMMONS AND CABOOSE ARE STANDING SURROUNDED IN ALL DIRECTIONS
BY PULSING GREEN PORTALS. CABOOSE IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF ONE OF
THE PORTALS STARING INTO THE SWIRLING GREENESS.
Caboose: (Dreamily) Pretty.
Sarge: Simmons, we need a plan and
we need it fast. Every moment we spend lollygaggin' here we fall
farther behind that crazy blue bastard. Poor Lopez, I don't know
what I'll do if anything bad happens to him.
Simmons: Build a new one?
Sarge: Some things are simply irreplaceable.
Building a new Lopez would be like--
Simmons: Trying to build a new me?
Sarge: Uh yeah, exactly. Simmons
I want you to stay here while me and Cablooey over there go through
one of these teleports.
Simmons: I'd much rather stay with
you sir.
Sarge: I know you would, Simmons.
I know that you look up to me as some kind of warrior god, and
as appropriate as that is it still makes me a little uncomfortable.
That's why I removed your heart and replaced it with that bicycle
pump. I thought that would have eliminated your completely justified
desire to worship me.
Simmons: My feelings for you come
from a much deeper place, sir.
Sarge: You stay here while we go
through, I need you over here where you can rewire the teleports
to get us back if we go through the wrong one.
CABOOSE WANDERS BACK OVER TO WHERE
THE TWO REDS ARE STANDING.
Caboose: Lets go back to the place
with all the sleepy people. I'm pretty sure it's nap time.
Sarge: There's no time for napping
now fruitcake. We gotta track down our mechanical comrade.
Caboose: How can there be no time
for nap time? That does not make any sense.
Sarge: Son, if we stop and (sarcastically)
take a nap, we're going to get farther behind Lopez and that
diabolical blue devil!
Caboose: Not if they are napping
too! Wait, do robots have nap time?
Simmons: How is it that we didn't
annihilate the blues like four times a day?
Sarge: I'm not sure I can respect
the other members of his squad for not killing him themselves.
BACK ON SIDEWINDER THERE ARE NOW
NEARLY A DOZEN GUARDS STANDING IN FRONT OF CHURCH AND GRIF'S
CELL. THEY ARE ALL YELLING OUT WORDS NOW.
Guards: Jerk-off! Assmaster! Dorkwad!
Butt-wipe!
Misc Guard: DIRTBAG!
CHURCH BEEPS, THEN ADVANCES ON GRIF.
GRIF STARTS RUNNING AWAY FROM CHURCH, WHICH IN THE SMALL CELL
MEANS THEY ARE RUNNING IN A CIRCLE AROUND THE PERIMETER. THE
GUARDS BEGIN TO CHEER LOUDLY NOW.
Guards: (chanting in time) DirtBAG!
dirtBAG! dirtBAG!
Church: Beep beep beep beep beep.
Grif: DAAAAAAMN YOOOOOOOU SARGE!
TEX IS WALKING TOWARDS WHERE TUCKER
IS STILL LAYING ON THE GROUND GROANING. SHE WALKS UP TO HIM AND
LOOKS DOWN.
Tex: You're still not dead yet? For
an idiot you're pretty durable.
TUCKER WHISPERS SOMETHING THAT WE
CAN'T QUITE UNDERSTAND.
Tex: What?
Tucker: Come... closer.
TEX TAKES A STEP TOWARDS TUCKER'S
PRONE BODY.
Tucker: Closer...
TEX CROUCHES NEXT TO THE INERT BLUE
MARINE.
Tex: Okay, what are you mumbling
about then?
WE HEAR TUCKER WHISPERING BUT WE
CAN'T HEAR THE WORDS. AFTER A FEW MOMENTS TEX GETS BACK UP AND
TAKES A FEW STEPS BACKWARDS.
Tex: You bastard.
TUCKER CHUCKLES SOFTLY AND TEX GOES
BACK TO THE BASE. CUT TO HER STANDING NEXT TO SHEILA.
Sheila: I haven't learned a lot about
human anatomy, but I don't think such a manuever is physically
possible.
Tex: Even during childbirth a woman
doesn't dialate far enough for that.
DONUT IS LOOKING TOWARDS TUCKER AND
STANDING ON TOP OF THE BASE RIGHT AT THE EDGE. HE IS LAUGHING
HYSTERICALLY.
Donut: Nice one blue guy! I don't
get the part about the tricycle and the stepladder, but the rest
was really funny!
TEX WALKS UP BEHIND DONUT AND BASHES
HIM IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD. THE RED MARINE GOES DOWN, FALLING
RIGHT OFF THE BASE AND TO THE GROUND BELOW.
Sheila: Right on sister! Show the
male-oppressors who's boss!
BACK ON SIDEWINDER CHURCH HAS FINALLY
GOT GRIF BACKED INTO A CORNER AND IS HITTING HIM OVER AND OVER
AGAIN. THERE ARE STILL SEVERAL GUARDS STILL STANDING ON THE OTHER
SIDE OF THE BARS CHANTING, THOUGH MOST HAVE LEFT.
Misc Guard: Ah, that's funny. Alright
I'm outta here. It's nap time. Later guys.
CHURCH IS WHACKING THE POOR ORANGE
MARINE IN A STEADY BEAT WITH THE CHANTING.
Church: I'm really sorry man, I thought
they woulda gotten bored of this by now.
Grif: That's okay, It's given me
a chance to think the situation over and I think I have a plan.
NOW THERE ARE ONLY FOUR GUARDS LEFT.
GRIF WALKS PAST CHURCH AND OVER TO THE BARS. CHURCH FOLLOWS HIM,
HITTING HIM IN THE BACK. THE ORANGE MARINE IS LOOKING OUT AT
ONE OF THE GUARDS.
Grif: Hey don't we get a phone call?
Gray Guard: Wait wait wait stop guys
stop. Yeah you get a call.
Grif: Does it have to be a phone
call?
BACK IN THE TELEPORT NEXUS SIMMONS
SARGE AND CABOOSE ARE GETTING READY TO JUMP THROUGH A TELEPORT.
SIMMONS IS STANDING IN FRONT OF THEM REWIRING IT. SUDDENLY THERE
IS THE HIGH PITCHED TONES OF SIMMONS MODEM SCREECHING.
Caboose: There is paper coming out
of his bum.
Sarge: Hang on there Simmons, we're
gettin' a fax.
SARGE CROUCHES DOWN BEHIND SIMMONS,
ALL WE CAN SEE IS THE TOP OF SARGE'S HEAD.
Sarge: Let's see here, it's a message
from Grif. He says he's on Sidewinder and him and robot number
two are locked up in jail.
Caboose: I don't think I'd like to
have paper come out of my bum.
Sarge: He wants up to get over there
pronto so he can uh... hmmm that part of it must have gotten
scrambled or he's talking about someone else. I wasn't that flexible
even in my days as a ballerina with the Costa Rican National
School of Interpretive Dance.
Caboose: I don't like getting paper
cuts. They sting.
Sarge: Simmons! Reprogram the teleporter
to take us to Sidewinder!
Simmons: Right away Sarge!
Sarge: And when we get back to base
remind me to change your ink cartridge.
END |