FIRST SERIOUS DATING
&
LOST LOVE
RETURN TO ALBERTA HISTORY 1950-1959
GENEALOGY
Return to the GENEALOGY INDEX.
Love is not desire,
it is a belief of good between people,
which is a basic principle of humanity,
it's values, virtues, truths and actions.
Love Desire should flow from pure love.
The 1950's was a magical period, a decade of enchantment, called the 'Greaser Days' for the duck tail hair cuts, held in place by gobs of hair grease. The birth of rock and roll. It was the time of crinolines, bobby socks, penny loafers and maiden form bras. It was a time when girls put on a tight pair of jeans, sat in hot water, in a bath tub, then allowed them to shrink dry on their body. It was a time of innocence.
Most teens largely ignored the down side of this decade, the Cold War, the possibility of a Third World War, and Nuclear Annihilation. The focus was on freedom, cars and girls/boys. Oh yes booze, and smoking but no to drugs. This was my dating, courting period. I didn't follow the normal trend of greased down duck tail hair or the last era of zoot suits (actually only the pants) which was a carry over from the 1930's and 1940's. I preferred the sports shirt, normal pants and oh yes the inevitable V necked sweaters.
I differed from my normal pack of friends, I started seriously looking for a mate at a young age of 15. 'Pack of Friends', yes young men (boys) usually ran in packs looking for girls. Girls also ran in packs looking for boys. The girls called it promenading. The boys called it curb cruising. I usually liked to hunt alone, but you had to spend some time running with the pack, for security and boldness to over come shyness. .
The first real girl that caught my attention was at Vicktoria Public School swimming pool on Kingsway avenue in Edmonton. Swimming was my passion and a great place to meet girls. The year was 1952. She was a 'fraulein', with a great figure, the boys would say stacked. I was too shy to talk to her but I returned to the pool, same time, same day of the week for three weeks, but she never showed again. I remember that big boobs were a point of attention but never factored in as a criteria for a future mate. Boys and men make much to do over mammary glands but it's more to impress their friends rather than self. To some it's very important but I found they were in the very small minority.
We chummed around with girls next door, playing games like base ball, spin the bottle, post office etc. but no real dating. Spin the bottle is self evident you spin the bottle and kiss the first one it points to of the opposite sex. Oh you want to know about 'post office'? That's where you select a range of numbers between say 1 and 20 and you take turns trying to guess a number. If a boy is asking then only girls respond, and visa versa. If a girl say that's my number you go into a closet and exchange a kiss. Then the girl gets to guess a number. You could cheat at this game to kiss the girls you liked best. This wasn't consider real kissing as there wasn't any affection, love or sex involved, it was just exploration of ones sexuality.
My first real date was the summer of 1963. I met her playing base ball, with a mix of boys and girls, after school in a public school. I decided to take my first official date to the fair. I was working at a drug store for 75 cents an hour as a delivery boy and baby sitting for the same princely sum. I rode my bike to her place and her dad droves us to the fair and picked us up later. I vividly recall spending $15.00 and that represented 20 hours of work. I decided real dating was too expensive.
I took this time to develop a list of criteria to use in selecting a mate. Some items were:
Be of the
same religion - Be honest - Be sincere -
Be healthy - Want four to six kids - Want to be a stay
at home mom
Be a virgin - Be
beautiful - Be funny - Enjoy sex and affection
- Want to breastfeed our children - Be feminine
Be a bit of a tease -
Be trim, not fat - Be a
bit of a flirt - Dress a bit sexy - Simply the girl next door
type
Be a low maintenance chick - This
was added after my first real date.
Now at that age I don't know what all those things mean actually but I was determined to find out. I always wondered, we were told this is the most important decision of your life, but there was no book on the subject and it sure wasn't taught in school. In fact the Catholic schools and Churches called on all parents to discourage the pernicious custom of boys and girls, in their teens, forming permanent and exclusive steady associations, that are so often an occasion for sin. As a result I attended St Alphonsis school for grades 9 & 10 and no commingled sex activities were presented. All dates and fraternizing were therefore from non Catholic schools. I remember one girl in grade nine who had a full figure like a 35 year old woman, I thought she was sexy and I had a crush on her. I lacked the social skills to ask her for a date or social outing. No mixed activities were offered to assist in this type of activity. I saw her years later on her death bed, after living a less than satisfactory life. I wondered what her life would be like had we clicked. At least I had the opportunity to tell her that I had a crush on her before she died. The anti socializing aspect of the Catholic school system was dumb.
In grades 11 & 12 at St. Josephs high school, it got even worse, it was a segregated school one half for all girls the other all boys. I never had the opportunity to talked to a girl in that school. We were taught that sex was only for procreation and modesty before and even after marriage was paramount. Modesty in marriage never made my list of attributes for mate hunting. As a result many kids married non-Catholics and left the church.
I remember some establishment folks realized what was happening and tried to organize teen dances away from the school settings. One man offered his barn as a dance hall. Parents, including my own, begged and pleaded the kids to attend the dances. It was too little, too late, it was a flop. No one knew each other and were awkward in their presence. I think the Catholic girls were looked on as occasions of sin and just weren't perceived as fun.
Group dating which might better be understood as activities of mixed gender with no specific attachments. We usually traveled in groups of three to six boys at a time and this varied by the seasons. The girls did the same, so you tried to match the target size. If the ratio of boys to girls was too great it scared off the girls. If the ratio was too small then it would become awkward. If the ratio was too few guys a simple phone call could rustle up more players or another car when we hit age 16. I acquired a nice car in 1954 in joint venture with an older brother. I had a greater use of the vehicle because I had a larger group of friends to share the cost of gas and maintenance. This allowed us a wider area for girl hunting, and hunting it was, a serious business.
We usually curb cruised to meet girls and maintained a little black book of names and phone numbers. The rules were simple, we usually pared up right off the bat and this was usually based on looks or instant appeal. You were to be attentive to your partner for one activity only. You do not hit on another's partner. We seldom switched partners during an outing but if it happened you were to ask permission first. Some activities were conducted with little or no paring off and for these events it was fair game to hit on any girl. Activities or outings usually consisted of a trip to the beach, a skating party on frozen lakes or ponds, marsh mellow or hot dog roasts or just sitting around someone's house when the parents were away. The logic was you would meet the most girls this way and after one group date you could tell if you liked that person enough to go out again. Usually if you went out again with the same group of girls you reselected which girl to partner with. The next outing you switched taking a different girl. It usually ended after your group dated all the girls or when one couple broke off to couple date. The girls made the selection choice as often as the boys. Some group dates we had up to 14 to 18 in one car but the normal procedure was to get a second or third car for the event. The second group date was always better than the first because you could preplan and make food and your choice was based on more criteria than looks alone. Also you knew that the two groups generally liked each other.
Group dating quickly evolved into couple dating, usually one couple but often two couples. We quickly learned that it takes more than one date to learn if you were compatible. Couple dating usually lasted two to three weeks. You quickly got down to discussing each of your selection criteria to see if you had a possible match. If for example you want kids and she doesn't, why waste each other time. A much smaller list was used because a person who meets the full list likely doesn't exist. The drive in movie was at the top of the list, then came swimming, picnics, etc. Most couple dating didn't work out, so it was back to group dating.
I did discover my first real sexual kiss during couple dating and I was in cloud #9 for at least 24 hours. I later felt my first boob and that was unbelievable. She later married a group friend of mine and she begged me not to tell my friend of our experience. I promised and learned a very valuable lesson, 'never kiss and tell'. She was a very nice girl and we were just mutually exploring our sexuality. I still hold fond memories of this encounter and am very thankful for the valuable lessons learned from this girl and others. Teenage boys appear to have a fixation on large mammary glands but this is only partially true. Attention is given to impress the other boys. The boys had a saying "A hand full or mouth full is good enough". It was quickly dropped from the list of criteria for a mate. I remember one incident when a girl wouldn't let you touch her breast. I asked her why and she reluctantly said she was embarrassed because she wore a highly padded bra. I said I was flattered that she had taken the trouble to impress me, but I told her that small boobs were as sexy as big boobs and to some even more so. She let me touché her boobs after that and on our second date wore an unpadded bra. She was cute!
Some of the strange dating practice that I encountered
resulting in rejection as a future mate were:
A belief you use sex to get your way in marriage because
that is what her mother did to her father - run for the hills!
A belief sex is only for procreation and you must practice
modesty in marriage - trouble ahead.
A belief boys (men) only want sex, not love, one
girl actually pinned her sweater to her pants every two inches - strange
A belief the only way to get a husband is to get pregnant
and have a forced marriage - run, run, run.
It was common practice this decade if you got a girl
pregnant you married her, girls would often ask if that was your belief.
A common saying was "If they are good enough to bed,
then they are good enough to wed".
Some didn't want kids or marriage but agreed it was ok to
live together.
Some lied to get what they wanted and these were the
hardest to detect.
You would think that girls who didn't kiss, hug or practice body exploration
and who were usually classed as a cold fish, would be off the list. The opposite
was true, they were in high demand. The logic was they just hadn't met
the right boy and they became a challenge.
A few in our expanded group were bad apples. They had no regard for the value and dignity of the girls we encountered. Their motto was the four 'F's'; "Find'em, Feel'em, Fuck'em and Forget them". We attempted to exclude them from the larger group but it was too dynamic to be completely successful. The final option was to warn girls of the bad apples. Some girls just wouldn't listen, thinking they can change them. The unfortunate down side was girls who fell for these charlatans were immediately off the list of potential mates. Unfair, yes, but that was the reality of the times.
The first boy to marry from our group was only age 16 and the girl was age 14. They had 3 children before she reached age 21. She had gotten pregnant at age 13 and they were caught by the police and taken to the girls parents house, where they were forced to stand in front of the girls parents, in the living room, buck naked. She was considered by all to be a lovely girl. We partied at their house quite often and discovered she didn't know how to cook or sew but they loved each other and the marriage survived, to the best of my knowledge. You would think this would stop or slow down the sexual activities of the group, but it didn't. We used to compare the marriage dates of our parents, with the birth date of the oldest child. We had a lot of premature births.
Some times a parent, usually the mother, would try to line you up with their best friends daughter. To be sure the daughters were beautiful both inner and outer, but just no spark. I suspect the forced situation soured the possibility. The dates were however always enjoyable because both parties were fully aware of the parents involvement and had a good laugh. Then you could just relax and be yourself and enjoy the movie or meal. Usually the night ended without a hug or kiss. Another awkward situation is if the girls parents knew your parents. You could tell because her parent treated you more like a potential son-in-law. Tickets to games or concerts were offered with the father trying to start a bonding process. I was scared off this relationship because every time I went over to listen to music the parent would quickly find a reason to leave the house. You knew both parents were discussing the progress of our relationship. The girl was a really nice girl, an only daughter, but she started making sexual advances, but I didn't want a fish bowel romance, so I broke it off. 'No fish bowel romance' was not on the list of potential mate attributes. In fact girls who told their parents everything were soon off the list. I think this was the no kiss and tell rule. Don't tell your friends, especially not parents. Boys always wanted to know if you scored, no good can come from breaking the rule. Protecting the reputation and integrity of a girl became a fundamental attribute of any relationship. .
Enough background on this topic, lets get on to the first serious love affair; The summer of 1959 or maybe 1960, I met Evelyn Rideau born about 1939, a little French girl. We met while curb cruising in a pink 1958 Mercury convertible. She hopped in beside me in the back seat. We had to double up, so she sat on my lap, as the car was overloaded. Now this was a great experience, as it was actually non-sexual just made me feel great. Naturally you had to put your arms around her to hold her. Where or when me met is a foggy point in my memory, I am not even sure this is how you spell her last name. I don't even have a picture of her. I was quite comfortable and hoped it could go on and on the whole day. But the driver said, he just got a ticket yesterday for overloading, so we will have to off load. I said drive to my house, I will get my car, a 1952 Pontiac. I think we offloaded with another couple and went for a beer (Root Beer) at A&W. Later I dropped the other couple off and parked out side her house for a few hours talking. She came from a large family and lived in a small rental house. We agreed to meet the next night and go out to see if we were comfortable with each other. While I drove she sat tight to my side but when we talked she leaned against the passenger door. The mothers told the girls don't kiss on the first date or the boys will think you are easy. The boys knew this dating rule. She definitely struck me as a girl you would have to date for three of four months, to find out, if we were a match. She was very cute and had an great body and appeared like a very pleasant person. The few girls who I kissed on the first date, I just figured they were naturally affectionate, not easy.
I picked her up and went for a beer and French fry's. This was the first real in-depth encounter as a couple, as apposed to group dating, or simple couple dating, she confided to me that she wasn't a virgin. I was very impressed with her honesty and this was our first real date, whow! She said she had lost her virginity to a boy, who had rented a room in her house. Now this was a major problem, as I had been taught that sex was reserved until you married, therefore I thought she was not eligible as a potential mate. I though long and hard on this subject and concluded our relationship should start the day me met, sort of like a blank slate. This was a tough decision as it went against the grain of everything I was taught. Besides I was taught, if Jesus can forgive sins, why can't I. Evelyn taught me a very valuable lesson of tolerance and forgiveness. We discussed things like career vs. stay at home mom, number of kids we wanted. Religion, honesty, sincerity, reliability but mostly tolerance and starting with a blank sheet. The evening however was spent mostly, hugging, kissing and touching. I was in heaven.
The next date was going for a swim at the community pool. I saw her mom for the first time when I picked her up. The second major problem arose, her mother. My mother and grandmother always told me, take a good look at any girls mother and grand mother, because that is who you are marrying. The meaning was very clear, most young girls look cute or beautiful but will eventually look like their mother and grandmother. Now Evelyn's mother was very overweight but a very pleasant person. However I would later met her married sister, who had two kids and who I thought was really old. I think she was about 35 years old and had a very trim body. I reasoned the mother must have had some health problems and as Evelyn was very trim, this was no longer a potential problem. I found it interesting how you create marriageable criteria and rationalize changes as you grow older. My beliefs went through a fundamental change from age 15 to age 21. I think it is a transition from beliefs and values you are given vs. those you reason out on your own. However until I met one of her sisters, I still had serious doubts. The swim was a good idea, as she has an awesome body, which was hard to resist. That evening we explored our wishes and desires for a good life. A good Job, the little white house with the picket fence, a nice vacation each year, tenting (camping), and we seemed to be compatible in most areas. It was a bit scary, but not much, as I had been looking for a mate, about 7 years. Most teen age girls didn't go for soul searching discussions preferring to just having fun.
As was inevitable that our growing love relationship evolved into a sexual relationship. Our first encounter demonstrated she had not lost her virginity earlier but just thought she had. It was an awkward moment at best. As time passed sex became a binding force beyond my comprehension. Evelyn made sex, affection, hugs and kisses a natural phenomena, my family was not very affectionate and it was a very important attribute in my selection criteria. I had worked in a drug store, so I thought we should practice safe sex. Evelyn was not too thrilled at the idea, saying are you going to use those things on me? I guess we had been taught that birth control was a sin and therefore she thought it was repulsive. As a result we only used them one time. I remembered my own rule, "If they are good enough to bed, then they are good enough to wed". I think secretly I was hoping she would get pregnant as that would take the marriage decision making out of our hands. We had agreed that if she got pregnant, we would marry. In fact this became a new rule. My grand mother told me it is better to put a cold pot on a hot stove than a hot pot on a cold stove. The pot is love, the stove is principles, beliefs and values. I decided I would rather put a hot pot on a hot stove.
We did the common dating things, movies, swimming, lunch, bowling, picnics, parties, etc. Single couple dating, as well as double couple dating. One date we double dated with a friend who drove a 1934 Chev. or Ford, can't remember. We had the back seat so we could make out on the way to a special river swimming hole. Make out, like kissing, hugging & touching, not sex. When we reached the swimming hole it was crowded so we went to a secret spot that I knew. It was about a half mile walk to a sand hill that fronts the river and is totally deserted. We hadn't brought swimming suits as this was a spur of the moment thing. Now my friends girlfriend was very modest and a virgin until after a few weeks of marriage. Yes you read correctly a few weeks. This couple would later marry. My friend and I went for a swim but I told Evelyn I didn't think it was proper for her to skinny dip when the other girl would be left out, so she stayed and visited with the other girl. Actually I didn't want her to show her body in front on my friend. It was broad daylight, maybe if it was night it would be different.
Another double date was spent with the same couple in my friends basement bedroom while his parents were away. We were both in separate beds with the lights out. Naturally we were making out when my friend said he couldn't tell the front from the back of his girl. We as a couple said that was nasty and if he continued in this type of talk, it's no wonder his wife was a virgin for weeks after marrying him. Actually his future wife had a nice set of small boobs, and my friend was playing the buddy game to impress me, bad strategy.
One very significant activity was baby sitting for Evelyn's older sister. This allowed me to finally dispel my fears about her potential being overweight. In retrospect I think it was also an opportunity for Evelyn to condition me into the life of marital bliss. Evelyn came from a family were showing of affection and because of being in a small house, modesty was not a high concern. I on the other had came from a house with little physical affection and a high modest environment. I remember one day we were in the bathroom and I was watching her apply her makeup, after washing her face. She said I have to go to the bath room, so I started to exit the room like a gentleman. She ran after me and said 'Oh no you don't' and pulled me back into the bathroom. Up went her mini skirt, down went her panties and she was on the toilet in a flash, before I could move or say anything. I had to admit she sure looked cute on the toilet with her panties down around her ankles. I think it was her way of bonding, and it sure was working. Another bonding activity was when she was taking a bath she asked me to wash her back. That activity was very effective in the bonding process. Later she locked the door and I could get ger to open it. I think she was saying even in an open marriage each person needs some time alone. Using her sisters master king size bed also helped. I noticed if a child cried she was up like a flash to attend to the child no matter what we were doing. This had not been on my list of mate finding criteria but it was soon added. There is a certain love feeling when a girl puts a baby's needs first. You know she will look after your future kids. I don't recall if she trained me in the art of dipper changing, toilet brigade or bath time but I am sure she did. I had some experience in early babysitting but it was much more enjoyable with a mate.
One fundamental principle was I wanted 4-6 healthy kids. I guess Evelyn was waiting until I was hopelessly bonded with her, as she passed all my selection criteria for a mate and more. I was hopelessly struck with the love bug and was thinking marriage. She said, oh by the way I have epilepsy, which I knew is an inherited disease. I was devastated. She hadn't showed any signs of a seizure and in all respects appeared as healthy as a horse. Our relationship began to flounder. She was still my soul mate and I loved her to death and would have married her if she was pregnant. I didn't want to bring kids into the word with an inherited disease and I couldn't live without kids of my own. I think I miserably failed one of her fundamental selection principles of a possible mate.
We decided to end the relationship but agreed to have one more date two weeks in the future. We had our last date and it was like a death in the family. I still love her to current times and if she had said, 'that's not fair', I would have married her in a flash and taken our chances. I was young and stupid and failed one of her important selection criteria. I still think of her, at least once a month, and of our lost love.