There was once a Scotsman and
an Englishman who lived next door
to each other. The Scotsman
owned a hen and each morning would
look in his garden and pick
up one of his hens eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden
and saw that the hen had laid
an egg in the Englishman's garden.
He was about to go next door
when he saw the Englishman pick
up the egg.
The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman
and told him that the egg
belonged to him because he owned
the hen. The Englishman disagreed
because the egg was laid on
his property.
They argued for a while until
finally the Scotsman said, In my
family we normally solve disputes
by the following actions:
"I kick you in the balls and
time how long it takes you to get
back up, then you kick me in
the balls and time how long it
takes for me to get up, whomever
gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this
and so the Scotsman found his
heaviest pair of boots and put
them on, he took a few steps back,
then ran toward the Englishman
and kicked as hard as he could
right between his legs.
The Englishman fell to the floor
clutching himself and howling
n agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood
up and said,
"Now its my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman said, "Keep the
damn egg."
( 1) Los Angeles, CA. Ani
Saduki, 33, and his
brother decided to
remove a bees nest from a shed
on their property with the aid
of a pineapple. A
pineapple is an illegal firecracker
which is the
explosive equivalent of one-half
stick of dynamite.
They ignited the
fuse and retreated to watch from
inside their home, behind a
window some 10 feet away
from the hive/shed.
The concussion of the
explosion shattered the window
inwards, Seriously
lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr.
Saduki need stitches, the brothers
headed out to go
to a nearby hospital.
While walking towards their
car, Ani was stung three times
by the surviving
bees. Unbeknownst to
either brother, Ani was
allergic to bee venom, and died
of suffocation
enroute to the hospital.
( 2) Derrick L. Richards, 28,
was charged in
April in Minneapolis with third-degree
murder in
the death of his beloved cousin,
Kenneth E.
Richards. According to
police, Derrick suggested a
game of Russian roulette
and put a semiautomatic
pistol (instead of the more
traditional revolver)
to Ken's head and fired.
( 3) Phillipsburg, NJ.
An unidentified 29
year old male choked to
death on a sequined
pastie he had orally removed
from an exotic dancer
at a local establishment.
"I didn't think he was
going to eat it," the dancer
identified only as
"Ginger" said,
adding "He was really drunk."
( 4) In February, according to
police in
Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta,
27, and Randy Taylor,
33, died in a head-on collision,
thus
earning a
tie in the game of chicken they were
playing with their snowmobiles.
( 5) MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk security
man
asked a colleague at the Moscow
bank they were
guarding to stab his bulletproof
vest to see if
it would protect him
against a knife attack.
It didn't, and the 25-year-old
guard died of a
heart wound.
( 6) In France, Jacques
LeFevrier left
nothing to chance when he
decided to commit
suicide. He stood at the top
of a tall cliff and
tied a noose around his
neck. He tied the other end
of the rope to a large rock.
He drank some poison
and set fire to his clothes.
He even tried
to shoot himself at the last
moment. He jumped and
fired the pistol. The bullet
missed him completely and cut
through the rope above
him. Free of the threat
of hanging, he plunged into
the sea.
The sudden dunking extinguished
the flames
and made him vomit the poison.
He was dragged out
of the water by a kind fisherman
and was taken to
a hospital, where he died of
hypothermia.
( 7) RENTON, Washington,
USA. On February 3,1990, a Renton, Washington man tried to
commit a robbery.
This was probably his
first attempt, as suggested
by the fact that he had no previous
record of
violent crime, and by his terminally
stupid choices as
listed below:
1.
The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a
gun shop.
2. The
shop was full of customers, in a
state where a substantial
portion of the adult
population is licensed to carry
concealed handguns
in public places.
3. To enter the shop,
he had to step around
a marked Police patrol
car parked at the front door.
4. An officer in
uniform was standing next
to the counter, having
coffee before reporting to
duty. Upon seeing the
officer, the would-be robber
announced a holdup and fired
a few wild shots.
The officer and
a clerk promptly returned fire,
removing him from the
gene pool. Several other
customers also drew their guns,
but didn't fire.
No one else was hurt.
1999 DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE
MENTIONS (I.E.
Non-fatalities)
( 1) Gulf
Breeze, Florida, three unidentified
teenage males were using
a home video camera to
film an action/adventure "movie"
one of the boys
had written. In a scene
that called for each
character to be ignited by fire,
the "special
effects coordinator," age 15,
prepared the "stunt"
youth by dousing lighter
fluid onto his
clothes. The intentional
fire, which proved
unexpectedly difficult to extinguish,
left the young
man with third degree burns
on his left arm, torso,
and both legs.
It was all captured on film.
>> >> >
( 2) In Bradford, PA,
J. Cruwe, 28, caught a
small snake in a
container which he handed to his
wife. She opened the container
and, startled to
see the snake, dropped it.
The excited and poisonous
snake immediately bit
Mr.Cruwe on the shin.
Mr. Cruwe survived the
wound and recovered after a
short visit to the local emergency
room.
( 3) In rural Carbon County,
PA, a group of
men were drinking beer and
discharging firearms
from the rear deck of a home
owned by Irving
Michaels, age 27.
The men were firing at a
raccoon that was wandering
by, but the beer
apparently impaired their aim
and, despite the
estimated 35 shots the group
fired, the animal escaped
into a 3 foot diameter
drainage pipe some 100 feet
away from Mr.Michaels' deck.
Determined to terminate
the animal, Mr.
Michaels retrieved a can
of gasoline and poured
some down the pipe, intending
to smoke the animal
out. After several unsuccessful
attempts to ignite
the fuel, Michaels
emptied the entire 5 gallon fuel
can down the pipe and tried
to ignite it again, to
no avail. Not one to admit defeat
by wildlife, the
determined Mr. Michaels proceeded
to slide feet-first
approximately 15 feet
down the sloping pipe to toss
the match.
The subsequent rapidly
expanding fireball
propelled Mr.Michaels back
the way he had come,
though at a much higher rate
of speed. He exited
the angled pipe "like a Polaris
missile leaves a
submarine," according
to witness Joseph McFadden,
31. Mr. Michaels was launched
directly over
his own home, right over the heads of
his astonished friends,
onto his front lawn. In
all, he traveled over 200 feet
through the air.
"There was a Doppler Effect
to his scream as he flew
over us,"
McFadden reported, "followed
by a loud thud."
Amazingly, he suffered
only minor injuries. "It
was actually pretty cool," Michaels
said,
"Like when they shoot
someone out of a cannon
at the circus. I'd
do it again if I was sure I
wouldn't get hurt."
( 4) TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham had been
drinking with several
friends when one of them
said they knew a person who
had bungee-jumped from the
middle of the Tacoma
Narrows Bridge. The
conversation grew more
heated and at least 10 men
trooped along the walkway of
the bridge at
4:30 a.m. Upon
investigation, no one had brought
bungee rope.
Bingham, who had continued drinking,
volunteered and pointed out
that a coil of lineman's
cable lay nearby. One
end of the cable was
secured around Bingham's leg
and the other end was
tied to the bridge.
His fall lasted 40 feet
before the cable
tightened and pulled his
foot off at the ankle. He
miraculously survived his fall
into the frigid
waters of the Tacoma Narrows
and Puget Sound and was
rescued by
two nearby fishermen. "All I can say,"
said Bingham, "Is that God was
watching out for me
on that night. There's
just no other explanation
for it." Bingham's severed
foot was never located.
( 5)
Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a
Japanese trawler were
plucked out of the Sea of
Japan clinging to the wreckage
of their sunken ship.
Their rescue, however, was followed
by immediate
imprisonment once authorities
questioned the sailors
on their ship's
loss. To a man they claimed that a
cow, falling out of a clear
blue sky, had struck
the trawler amidships, shattering
its hull and sinking
the vessel within
minutes.
They remained in prison
for several weeks,
until the Russian
Air Force reluctantly informed
Japanese authorities that the
crew of one of its
cargo planes had apparently
stolen a cow wandering at
the edge of a Siberian
airfield, forced the cow into
the plane's hold and hastily
taken off for home.
Unprepared for live> cargo,
the Russian crew was
ill-equipped to manage
a now rampaging cow within its hold.
To save the
aircraft and themselves, they shoved
the animal out of the cargo
hold as they crossed
the Sea of Japan at an altitude
of 30,000 feet.