New Jokes Page One


There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door
to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would
look in his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid
an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door
when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.

The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg
belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed
because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, In my
family we normally solve disputes by the following actions:
"I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get
back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it
takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his
heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back,
then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could
right between his legs.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching himself and howling
n agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said,
"Now its my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman said, "Keep the damn egg."


 ( 1) Los Angeles, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his
 brother decided to   remove a bees nest from a shed
on their property with the aid of a  pineapple. A
pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the
explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite.
They ignited the   fuse and retreated to watch from
inside their home, behind a window   some 10 feet away
from the hive/shed.
 The concussion of the explosion shattered the window
inwards,  Seriously  lacerating Ani.  Deciding Mr.
Saduki need stitches, the brothers   headed out to go
to a nearby hospital.  While walking towards their
car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving
 bees. Unbeknownst to   either  brother, Ani was
allergic to bee venom, and died of   suffocation
enroute to the hospital.

( 2) Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in
April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in
the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E.
Richards.  According to police, Derrick suggested a
game of Russian  roulette and put a semiautomatic
pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver)
to Ken's head and fired.

 ( 3) Phillipsburg, NJ.  An unidentified 29
 year old male choked to death on a sequined
pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer
at a local establishment.  "I didn't think he was
going to eat it," the dancer identified only as
"Ginger" said,
adding "He was really drunk."

( 4) In February, according to police in
Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta,   27, and Randy Taylor,
33, died in a head-on collision, thus
earning a    tie in the game of chicken they were
playing with their snowmobiles.

( 5) MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk security man
asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were
guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if
  it would protect him against a knife attack.
It didn't, and the  25-year-old guard died of a
heart wound.

 ( 6) In France, Jacques LeFevrier left
nothing to chance when he    decided to commit
suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and
 tied a noose around his neck.  He tied the other end
of the rope to a large rock.  He drank some poison
and set fire to his clothes.
 He   even tried to shoot himself at the last
moment.  He jumped and fired   the pistol.  The bullet
missed him completely and cut through the rope   above
him.  Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into
the sea.
The sudden dunking extinguished the flames
and made him vomit the poison.  He was dragged out
of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to
a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.

 ( 7) RENTON, Washington, USA. On February 3,1990, a Renton,   Washington man tried to commit a robbery.
 This was probably his first attempt, as suggested
by the fact that he had no previous record of
violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as
listed below:

     1.  The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a
 gun shop.

    2.  The shop  was full of customers, in a
state where a substantial   portion of the adult
population is licensed to carry concealed   handguns
in public places.

 3.  To enter the shop, he had to step around
a marked Police patrol  car parked at the front door.

  4.  An officer in uniform was standing next
 to the counter, having  coffee before reporting to
duty.  Upon seeing the officer, the   would-be robber
announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots.
 The  officer and a clerk promptly returned fire,
 removing him from the gene   pool.  Several other
customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire.
 No one else was hurt.


    ( 1) Gulf Breeze, Florida, three unidentified
 teenage males were using   a home video camera to
film an action/adventure "movie" one of the boys
had written.  In a scene that called for each
character to be ignited by fire, the    "special
effects coordinator," age 15, prepared the "stunt"
youth by  dousing lighter fluid onto his
clothes.  The  intentional fire, which proved
unexpectedly difficult to extinguish,   left the young
man with third degree burns on his left arm, torso,
and   both legs.  It was all captured on film.
>> >> >
 ( 2) In Bradford, PA, J. Cruwe, 28, caught a
 small snake in a   container which he handed to his
wife.  She opened the container and,    startled to
see the snake, dropped it.  The excited and poisonous
  snake immediately bit Mr.Cruwe on the shin.
Mr. Cruwe survived the   wound and recovered after a
short visit to the local emergency room.

( 3) In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of
men were drinking beer and  discharging firearms
from the rear deck of a home owned by Irving
 Michaels, age 27.  The men were firing at a
 raccoon that was wandering   by, but the beer
apparently impaired their aim and, despite the
estimated 35 shots the group fired, the animal escaped
into a 3 foot  diameter drainage pipe some 100 feet
away from Mr.Michaels' deck.
 Determined to terminate the animal, Mr.
 Michaels retrieved a can of   gasoline and poured
some down the pipe, intending to smoke the animal
out.  After several unsuccessful attempts to ignite
the fuel, Michaels   emptied the entire 5 gallon fuel
can down the pipe and tried to ignite   it again, to
no avail. Not one to admit defeat by wildlife, the
determined Mr. Michaels proceeded to slide feet-first
approximately 15  feet down the sloping pipe to toss
the match.

 The subsequent rapidly expanding fireball
propelled Mr.Michaels back   the way he had come,
though at a much higher rate of speed. He exited
the angled pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a
submarine," according   to witness Joseph McFadden,
31.  Mr. Michaels was launched
 directly   over his own home, right over the heads of
his astonished friends,    onto his front lawn.  In
all, he traveled over 200 feet through the  air.
"There was a Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew
over us,"
 McFadden reported, "followed by a loud thud."
 Amazingly, he suffered   only minor injuries. "It
was actually pretty cool," Michaels said,
 "Like when they shoot someone out of a cannon
at the circus.   I'd do it   again if I was sure I
wouldn't get hurt."

      ( 4) TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham had been
 drinking with several friends  when    one of them
said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the
   middle of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge.  The
conversation grew more    heated and at least 10 men
trooped along the walkway of the bridge at
  4:30 a.m.  Upon investigation, no one had brought
bungee rope.
Bingham, who had continued drinking,
volunteered and pointed out that   a coil of lineman's
cable lay nearby.  One end of the cable was
secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was
tied to the bridge.
 His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable
tightened and pulled his  foot off at the ankle.  He
miraculously survived his fall into the    frigid
waters of the Tacoma Narrows and Puget Sound and was
 rescued by   two nearby fishermen.  "All I can say,"
said Bingham, "Is that God was    watching out for me
on that night.  There's just no other explanation
 for it." Bingham's severed foot was never located.

     ( 5) Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a
 Japanese trawler were   plucked out of the Sea of
Japan clinging to the wreckage of their  sunken ship.
Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate
 imprisonment once authorities questioned the sailors
on their ship's   loss.  To a man they claimed that a
cow, falling out of a clear blue    sky, had struck
the trawler amidships, shattering its hull and sinking
  the  vessel within minutes.
 They remained in prison for several weeks,
 until the Russian  Air Force   reluctantly informed
Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its
cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at
the edge of a   Siberian airfield, forced the cow into
the plane's hold and hastily   taken off for home.
Unprepared for live> cargo, the Russian crew was
 ill-equipped to manage a now rampaging cow within its hold.
 To save   the aircraft and themselves, they shoved
the animal out of the cargo    hold as they crossed
the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.

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