The husband emerged from the
bathroom naked with a hard on and was climbing into bed when his
wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my cock
with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you."
1. Take off the fourteen layers
of clothing you slept in because there was a
distinct chill in the air at bedtime due to the temperature having dropped
below 70 degrees.
2. Walk to the bathroom wearing
a long robe and a towel on your head. If
you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh
immediately,ignore his juvenile turban jokes, and then rush to bathroom.
3. Turn on the hot water only and let run.
4. Look at your womanly figure
in the mirror and stick out your gut so that
you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
5. Get in the shower, once you
have found it through all that steam, and
adjust the water to a temperature slightly below it's boiling point.
6. Look for facecloth, armcloth,
legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
7. Wash your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
9. Wash your hair again with
Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added
11. Wash your hair once more with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo.
13. Condition your hair with
Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with
natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
14. Wash your face with crushed
apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until
15. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
16. Complain bitterly when you
realize that your boyfriend/husband has once
again been eating your Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
17. Rinse conditioner off hair
(this takes at least fifteen minutes, as you
must make sure that it has all come off).
18. Debate shaving armpits and
legs and decide that you can't be bothered,
and anyway, the hair helps keep you warm.
19. Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek in 10.
20. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband
flushes the toilet and you get
a rush of cold water.
21. Turn hot water on full and rinse off.
22. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.
23. Check entire body for the
remotest sign of a spot. Attack with
nails/tweezers if found.
24. Return to bedroom wearing
long robe and towel on head. If you see your
boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh, immediately,
ignore his juvenile turban jokes, and then rush to bedroom.
How To Shower Like A Man:
1. If you wore clothes to bed
last night, take them off while sitting on the
edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing a
towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife along
the way, flash her your penis
3. Look at your manly physique
in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if
you have pecs. (nope)
4. Turn on the water.
5. Check, again, for pecs. (nope)
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)
8. Wash your face.
9. Wash your armpits.
10. Wash your penis and surrounding area.
11. Wash your ass.
12. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14. Open the shower-door and check yourself out in the mirror.
15. Pee and watch yellow stream go down drain.
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
17. Return to the bedroom wearing
a towel. If you pass your girlfriend/wife,
flash her your penis.