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The GAZEBO

The Gazebo is a fearsome creature of legend, fought by Beowulf in his self-titled epic poem:

"And Beowulf walked into the garden, and he beheld the Gazebo. The Gazebo did not falter. Beowulf drew his bow taut and fired upon the beast, but it caused no reaction. Fear crept into Beowulf's heart as he fired again...”

A Gazebo Egg on its pedestal. Its mother can be seen in the reflection.

A Gazebo Egg on its pedestal.

Its mother can be seen in the reflection.

Physiology

Gazebos are very large creatures, some growing as large as small houses. Gazebos start their lives as eggs. These eggs are very shiny and perfectly round, and are placed atop small pedestals in the middle of their native yard. Shortly after hatching, the young gazebo, also called a Trellis, covers itself in plant material as camouflage, while living off of small animals such as puppies and kittens that wander too close. Gazebos reach maturity at around 3 years. Young adults are typically only 3 meters high, with a diameter of 4 meters. Some gazebos, however, can grow up to 5 meters high and 10 meters in diameter. One species, the Emperor Gazebo, can grow to an incredible 50 meters in height.

Stages of Development

The Gazebo goes through 5 basic stages of development.

  1. Hatchling Trellis - These trellises are small, and often hide themselves against fences, and, much like a chameleon, are colored to match their surroundings.
  2. Juvenile Trellis - At the second stage, the young trellis has two legs and a roof, and begins to resemble a gazebo. During this stage, the trellis covers itself in foliage to camouflage itself.
  3. Young Gazebo - At this phase, the trellis is officially considered a gazebo. It has a well-defined roof, and more than two legs.
  4. Adult Gazebo - Now the gazebo has more legs, and has become sexually mature. Gazebos at this stage begin to seek mates, and pedestals on which to lay their eggs.
  5. Mature Gazebo - The final stage of gazebo life is the Mature Gazebo. The gazebo now has a floor, many legs, and a much more defined roof. The gazebos grow larger from this point, but maintain their basic shape.

The much feared Emperor Gazebo in all its glory.

The much feared Emperor Gazebo in all its glory.

Habitat

The Gazebo lives in small parks or in large private lawns. It is believed that the creatures feed on small children found in these areas. Gazebos are capable of remaining still for days and weeks at a time, waiting for their prey to wander into range. When a potential meal gets near, the gazebo lashes out violently. Gazebos that live in parks have been known to save their food, storing it in metal cages, known as monkey bars. Alice in Chains were famously known for using Gazebos in their live shows, along with young girls bound and gagged.

Encounters

Due to the untamed ferocity of the beasts, it is recommended that you avoid confrontation with Gazebos if at all possible (unless you have a Nazi-sympathizer boyfriend who is sixteen going on seventeen, waiting for life to start). However, in some circumstances, a confrontation cannot be prevented. Gazebos predate with extreme disregard for their own well being, only surrendering its prey upon the gazebo's own death. Any exchange with a gazebo is a fight to the death. With that in mind, the only reliable means destroying one is to light it on fire. Preferably, this fire should be produced by a flame-emitting device such as a flamethrower or a battlemage. Striking the creature with Crossbow Bolts of Slaying or Hackmaster +12s produce very little effect, and, while it is theoretically possible to kill a gazebo this way, the number of strikes required is enormous. By such time, the creature will have killed the would-be gazebo-slayer. Also, it is important to note if you get into a confrontation with a Gazebo, you will be in a one-on-one duel. No one can help you. You must face the Gazebo alone.

Cultivation

Studies into useful applications of gazebos have yielded little results. Recognizing that man turns more and more to nature for further sources of medicine and innovation, the conglomerate known as Home Depot has initiated a domesticated gazebo-farming program. The program has, as yet, failed to bear useful fruit, despite a number of dead end avenues of research. Gazebo shavings were found to have half the sodium of traditional bacon bits, yet twice the cholesterol and itchiness. In the 1990’s a resin was boiled and distilled from gazebo genitalia then put into aerosol cans and marketed as “spray on hair”, but the idea generated little revenue. The only profitable use found thus far has been selling pulverized gazebo eggs to elementary schools for arts and crafts. It is doubtful, however, that this will become a widespread enterprise because of the ferocious protectiveness of the adult gazebos.

Natural Enemies

The Gazebo has few known natural enemies. Among them are:

  • Fire
  • The Titanic
  • St. Peter's Basilica
  • The Roc of Gibraltar
  • Nanaimo bars
  • Näsinneula
  • Godzilla
  • Termites

Food Sources

While the gazebo preys mostly upon small creatures, it has also been known to eat some varieties of plant. Below is a list of things the gazebo may prey upon.

  • Puppies
  • Kittens
  • Children
  • Homeless people
  • Orange Construction Barrels
  • You

Seriously folks, gazebos are a wonderfull addition to your landscape.

A gazebo is a pavilion structure, often octagonal, commonly found in parks, gardens, and spacious public areas. Gazebos are freestanding, or attached to a garden wall or deck, roofed, and open on all sides; they provide shade, basic shelter, ornamental features in a landscape, and a place to rest. Some gazebos in public parks are large enough to serve as bandstands.

Gazebos are typically built of wood and covered with standard roofing materials, such as shingles. A simple, quiet little garden retreat, a place where we can enjoy a breeze and perhaps a view as we relax and gather our thoughts, offers and appealing respite to our high-tech, high-speed, 21st century lives. The great thing is, like the Victorian themselves, 21st century homeowners are taking an eclectic approach. They realize that this adaptable form we call a gazebo doesn’t need to mimic the style of their house – as long as it complements their home and their garden.

 

Placement

What first gave you the idea you might like to build a gazebo? Perhaps you walked out to a corner of your property, were struck by a magnificent view, and said to yourself – “Wow, this would be the perfect spot for a place to sit !” Well then, you have already located your gazebo. Or maybe you don’t have a particular spot in mind, and just think about you would like a lovely gardean retreat someplace in the yard. The view of your gazebo can be as important as the view from your gazebo. Do you want your gazebo to be an important focal point that draws the eye when you look out the window or enter the yard ?

Keep in mind that your gazebo may also block a view, which in some cases may be desirable. A strategically placed gazebo, surrounded on two or three sides with tall plantings, is a great way to create romantic look while obliterating an undesirable sight.If you want to block an obtrusive view without stifiling breezes or cutting to much light, install lattice on several sides of the gazebo.

There are several reasons to consider the seasonal and daily path of the sun when siting your gazebo.If, for example, you want your gazebo to be a shady retreat on summer evenings, you may want to orient the gazebo to the east of tall trees so you can enjoy their shade. If your gazebo won’t be near trees, you might want to put the entrance facing away from the sun at that time of day and year. This way, the sun will be at your back instead of in your face when you place chairs or benches in the gazebo. Conversely, if the gazebo will have a wonderful view of sunsets, you’ll want to orient it toward the sun. Being aware of the sun’s path may be important in the design (or install) of your gazebo’s roof. Perhaps you’re considering building a slat roof instead of a solid roof.You may want to anticipate the pattern of shadows those slats will cast on the gazebo floor.

Speaking of shadows, don’t forget that your gazebo will cast one of its own. You don’t want to install a gazebo only to discover your carefully crafted vegetable garden or bed of sun-loving plants is now robbed of summer sunlight. The shadow pattern the gazebo casts in winter is less likely to affect your siting decision, but still you might want to anticipate how the shadows will fall on the snow-covered ground on a bright winter day.

Materials

Wood gazebos are most often constructed ofwestern red cedar or pressure-treated pineand fasteners should be of stainless steel or treated for corrosion resistance. Roofing materials should make use of quality shingles. Cedar shake shingles are popular choices for gazebo roofing.

Western Red Cedar is a popular choice for gazebos due to its natural beauty, its resistance to decay, its distinctive aroma, and its longevity. Western Red Cedar contains natural oils that help the wood resist decay and rot, and serves as a natural deterrent to insects. When properly finished, and maintained well, Western Red Cedar lasts for many years and ages beautifully.

Cedar is a particularly beautiful wood, withy a textured grain that ranges in color from rich browns to reds, cinnamon, and amber. Because cedar is free from the pitch and resins found in almost all other woods, it is exceptionally suitable for a wide range of finishes, from oils and stains to paint.

Western red cedar is much more stable than most soft woods, which makes it particularly suitable for structures such as gazebos. Cedar lies flat, doesn't shrink, and holds it fastenings tightly. It can be planed to an exceptionally smooth surface, and it does not need any toxic chemical treatments to make it resistant to decay.

Pressure treated pine gazebos are usually constructed of lodgepole pine that has been pressure treated to make it resistant to decay, rot, and insect damage. Properly prepared pine can be stained or painted to your liking.

Gazebo Extras

~ Built in bench seats, chairs, or tables
~ Built in swings
~ Wiring packages for electricity
~ Ceiling fans (require electricity)
~ Screened windows to keep out mosquitos, flies and other pests
~ Fancy railings, brackets, support posts
~ Regular roof or double roof
~ Roof cupola, cupolas were originally designed as ventilation, to permit airflow through the roof of the gazebo. In many of today's gazebos, however, they may be purely decorative. If you want a cupola for roof ventilation, be sure to check and make sure that the gazebo and roof cupola you are considering are designed to provide ventilation, and that the cupola is not purely decorative in nature.
~ Weathervane on the roof

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