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¤ Introduction Update June 2000 Update November 2010 |
"There should be laughter after pain. There should be sunshine after rain These things have always been the same
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Thanks for stopping by :) Please sign our guestbook at the end of this page - we appreciate the feedback and use your questions and feedback to sporadically update this site. Latest update November 2010.
I hope that these words from Mark Knopfler and Dire Straits “Why Worry” can help to guide you throughout your reunion journeys as they have given me much inspiration. These pages have been created by me, Marilyn, at my birthson Sean's suggestion. To date they have proven to be most interesting through the responses and questions they have generated to both of us. We appreciate the feedback. It is empowering to know that one has the ability to discover and uncover the past as well as to guide the future.
It is our hope that by sharing these, our reunion stories, with you from both a birthmother's perspective “Marilyn's Birthmother Reunion Experience” as well as an adult male adoptee's viewpoint “Sean’s Adoptee Reunion Experience” you may also feel empowered to achieve satisfaction where ever your adoption reunion roads may lead you. Hence the map background, although we have found that a new map must be created for each new experience, so...Enjoy making yours!
Adoption reunion is a time of complete unknowns for all sides. Many variables and personalities will come into play, looking for the positive will prove to be invaluable. As with anything in life, the factors are numerous and the results can hold many enjoyable and unexpected surprises. Although our lives have been lived apart we have found that many similarities do exist. Just seeing the physical resemblance's of blood relatives alone has proven fascinating as are many other genetic similarities. You may check this out for yourself on “Our Family Photo Page”.
It was due to the level of information
available on the relatively new information highway; the connections made via internet
support groups with women who had lived in homes for unwed mothers, been sent
away from their families and who were forced to surrender any and all rights to
any knowledge or understanding of the babies born.– This information and
encouragement provided me with the knowledge and insight needed to rally the
courage to seek out my son and put closure to so many of the unknowns created
by relinquishment.
Contact either of us -
Marilyn: grubb2@telusplanet.net
or Sean: rfrey@mts.net
Marilyn's
Birthmother Reunion Experience
I
am a birthmother and as such I am so very thankful and grateful that I have
been allowed to find my birthson, Sean and find some semblance of peace
regarding him, his existence, and how his life has turned out. Life can indeed
hold many wonderful surprises and be filled with much if you are lucky. In fact
what you may find if you look is a life filled with Although
that was not always the truth, at least for me.. This is my story:
I
was 15 in 1968 when I became pregnant. In the eyes of the society of the day, I
had committed a major sin. My son’s birthfather, who was 16, upon discovery of
the pregnancy denied any involvement so I bore this "shame" alone.
Pregnant, I attended school and continued on as if all was normal. I know that
there was some appearance of the pregnancy but this was unacknowledged and
unspoken of. After the end of the school semester in January when I was five
months pregnant; I was sent away to an unwed mothers
home in Edmonton, Alberta. This home, Woodside, was 500 kilometers or 350 miles
away from my hometown. Although it seems that most everyone would have known of
my predicament, no mention was made about it. (At least not
to me). I do remember speaking to a social worker who must have been
handling my case but have no memories of any of the actual conversations. The start of the lies. No wonder for many birthmothers from
this era our motto now is "End the secrets and lies!"
On April 18, 1969, in Edmonton, Alberta, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. I have grey memories of the actual birth. I do know that he weighed 8 lb. 14 oz. and was 21 inches long and perfect. The hospital stay was not fun. I developed toxemia right after delivery and was not allowed out of bed until just before I was released. The hospital staff were not kind in any fashion and I just wanted to escape the thought of dying seemed comforting.
The day I left the hospital I had to go to the nursery window to look at my son. I could barely see, I was crying so hard, but that memory of the vision of him, so peaceful and beautiful remains forever imprinted in my memory. I then went into a waiting room and signed away all of my rights to this baby. I wanted everything to be right for him but I would have no way of knowing this until twenty eight years later. At the time I was told the decision to not know him - ever - was permanent and irrevocable. Cut like a knife; leaving him behind was the hardest thing that I will ever have to do in my life. A point of interest here is that when I was to be married 2 years later I could not sign the marriage license myself, my parents sign on my behalf?! Go figure! Anyway...
After several more weeks in the un-wed mother's home I came back to my hometown and appeared to get on with my life. Surviving this event has helped me to be a very strong person. I continued to do well in school, I was seen as a leader and a survivor. Each night alone in my room though, I would literally break down and experience that same separation loss that I felt walking away from my new born son. It was like the nights were the extreme low as I had used up all of the energy I had holding my head up high during the day. I wanted my son so very badly. The loss of feeling my son move within me and sharing playful times while he was in the womb were now gone; this made me very sad. Throughout the years this pain dissipated a little when I tried to think that the best things were happening to him and it was going to be okay. I wanted more than anything for him to be all right, okay and happy. And, I always wondered if he knew about me.
Back to that summer of 1969. That was when I found a wonderful friend, confidant, and now my husband of 28 years. He had known of my birthson, as he was from the same small town. This guy has been there for me on every one of “the birthdays" always the most difficult time for me, as well as for all of the downs that I experienced with my loss. We, birthmothers, may give the appearance of happiness on the outside but always feel that void within. I feel very fortunate that my husband wanted to share this part of me. So the years went by and to the world I was seen as a successful, happy person. My kept children, I had two more sons soon after, did well. I did well, my life looked wonderful. Inside though - I always felt that ache, that emptiness - a loss.
Giving a child to adoption has been compared to losing someone to death. In my case, having had experienced the death of loved ones, I know that it is very similar. With one Major exception: We are allowed to publicly grieve the loss of family members who die, we are supposed to grieve, it is part of the process, but unwed mothers were taught not to speak of our child lost to adoption. It made others uncomfortable and we quickly learned to suppress any urge to discuss the child and this suppression was incorporated into our everyday behavior. Partially, I think, that this could be a reason for an adoption reunion to be such a traumatic event in the birthmother’s life. Reunion makes something which was strictly, and totally, not up for discussion, suddenly acceptable. You have to learn how to change your mind set in a really big hurry. Quite an accomplishment if you know my mind. Thankfully, everyone involved, myself being the only exception, has lots of patience. That never has been one of my personality traits. :) So...
In the spring of 1996 I discovered the internet and went online. I recognize now that I was on a mission, I had hit a new level. I had been registered in a passive registry for several years but was not getting any results. I had an overwhelming need to find out about my son. I always did want to find him and now I found that I could do something about that. I had the means and tools and had also learned that the government had just made it legal for me to initiate a search. I thought that my son was in trouble and needed my help. Wrong! In retrospect, I see who really needed to be saved, and at first I felt guilty about this. Big time. But now I realize that if I really wanted to help anyone else, I had better attain inner peace myself. Your reasons for searching may seem unjustified, when you first find, but with time and retrospection you will understand why you did what you had to do.
After being a participant of birthmother online support lists for close to a year, I found the courage I needed to hire a confidential intermediary, in March 1997, I connected with Ray Ensminger. Alberta, I had discovered, made this option legal the summer of 1996. (Thanks, Jim) The intermediary whom you hire, from a list provided to you by the government, is given access to the original adoption file. They, then armed with this information, locate the person the person being sought, ask for consent to contact; this person has the right to veto any further contact and that is the end of it all or....they can want you to find them!
They say we should read lots, talk lots, and generally prepare. I do not think that that is possible there are just too many possibilities/probabilities/personalities. I do think that we tend to dwell on the negative a bit too much before we find, and although that does happen in some reunions, we should also also allow ourselves to prepare for a positive outcome. I understand that for birthmothers this whole adoption issue has had a major negative impact but for our children it may not have been so. Get ready for the fact that they have had a good life without you and wonderful parents and all you could have wished for. I wish that I had done a bit of this, so that I would not have been such an emotional wreck upon finding. I'm a bit embarrassed about all of the blubbering and crying that my birthson has had to endure.
Only two days had passed from the day my searcher received our adoption file, started to look, and found. Get ready for a major, very long emotional roller coaster ride; it is exponentially longer than any ride in an amusement park! April 9, 1997 I received notice from the searcher that he had been able to find Sean, had talked to him, that he was open to contact and had even been thinking about getting in touch with me! Late that same night the searcher read me a letter that he had received on his fax machine from my son. What a wonderful letter! He has had lots of great experiences and opportunities and has made the most of all of them. He is happily married and successful everything sounded great.
The next day was a complete write off. I was useless at work and went home early my feet did not touch the ground. All I could do, was repeat his name over and over in my head. Sean. What a great name, he has been given with such a perfect meaning - Gift from God. So true when you consider the fact that any of us are even on this earth and are who we are; it becomes emotionally quite intense. One minute I was on cloud nine - the next minute I was in hell. My mind was having difficulty believing that this could be true. How could something that I had perceived to be so Wrong for so long actually be this Right. I have often thought myself to be lucky in life but this was too good to be true.....I thought.
The next evening, April 10, 1997 on the phone the first words I ever heard Sean speak were: "Is Marilyn there?" It may sound trite I suppose but I will never forget those words or the sound of his wonderful voice, soft, kind. We spoke for several hours that night. I had a thousand questions and he had the patience to answer them. Have I mentioned how great he is??? :)
He has had a good life, a loving mother, a really great father, two brothers and lots of good experiences. Everything that I dreamed for him, but was unable to provide at the time. How I wish I could have, but I am (very slowly) coming to terms with the reality of the whole situation now, as much as one can. Maybe Einstein's theory 'for every action there is equal opposite reaction' will give you an understanding of my feelings about life.
Sean is truly an awesome guy. He and his wife Roo are wonderful and very tolerant of my unannounced intrusion into their lives. Soon after we spoke that first time, he sent me some pictures, a copy of their wedding video and some of the travels that he and his wife have experienced. These have been a wonderful healing tools. They have allowed me to move my image and ideas of him into today's reality. In fact, if anyone from Memorex happens to read this I can testify that your tapes have been time tested. But wait, there's more, it gets even better than this...
At the end of June 1997, my husband took me to meet my bson -in person! Of course about all I could do was stare, absorb and generally gawk. So much to see - he has grown a lot :) He is quite a diverse human being with talents in many areas. He and his wife were perfect hosts. We stayed at their house, something that I was quite apprehensive about at first, but they both possess a calmness about them that is very soothing. I did make mention later on at how well they treated "strangers" and he replied, that they specialize in strange? I'm sure he was joking ;) My husband, Randy was super. He took photos and video and had lots of fun with the whole reunion visit. He had been quite excited about taking me to meet Sean and I'm quite sure because he had been a part of this pretty well forever, that he was more than a bit curious. We had the best time ever. They like to do outside things as do we. We went biking, swimming (I floated), on a picnic, saw where he works, what he does at work, they made supper, we went for supper, went to a movie, (scared me at first because of the title "Father's Day", but it is not sad at all, I would recommend it), had a water fight, he played his clarinet for us, we looked at pictures......Which reminded them that Sean's mother-in-law, who lives very close to where I live, was in possession of an album showing Sean from when he was a baby of 4 months up until his wedding. I was able to borrow this album and even made my own copy of it. Too cool.
We were able to meet again at Christmas time. This time Sean got to meet his half brothers and all of my daughters-in-law had the opportunity to check each other out. Watching them all interacting together was very gratifying for me. We are so lucky to live in this place in this time. Of society's acceptance, of the accessibility of networking :) I have a newspaper want ad from 1970 and in it the positions are listed as "jobs of interest to males" and "jobs of interest to females". We have traveled very far in very little time and I'm really glad for those who went before and showed us how to be here. We have a ways to go but we can get there if you try to believe.
Because
a reunion will significantly affect your other relationships, I am attaching a
bit of my husband's perspective as a point of interest:
"When I met Marilyn I knew that she was a birthmother and thought to myself that she hid this fact very well. I did know from time to time that in parts of our first conversations, something was not being discussed, but felt that it was a touchy situation and knew that she did not want to talk about it.
Awhile after we were together, Marilyn trusted me enough to really open up about her birthson. I could tell it was a tender spot for her. After she did open up, she would get mad at me because I could not understand. “You can't understand the way I feel.” she would tell me. And then I would feel helpless with a loss of control. I remembered pretty well every birthday that passed and if I forgot -- I would remember by looking at her and seeing those mixed emotions. Sometimes she did not understand that the past had no bearing on how I felt about her.
Time went on and after twenty seven years, she found out about her ability to search for and perhaps locate her son. I had a few reservations about this, when she said that she was definitely going to search. I had visions of things maybe not turning out and him being bitter towards her. She said she would be happy to find out if he was “safe and alive”, but if there had been problems I do not think that she would have forgiven herself. I also worried about our kids, I worried about how we had not told them earlier and how they might not understand. There also were times soon after she found Sean that she seemed to be obsessed with the reunion.
Now that we know about him and know him. I feel that he is a part of the family since he is so much like her and our two sons. I was just about as excited as her when he was located. I was, how to put it? Anxious, hoping. I do remember telling Marilyn over the years that she should think how well our kids were turning out and find comfort in thinking why would he be any different? And it turned out -- That is true. "
In conclusion, I will share what I have learned. Birthmothers surround yourself with caring people. You will need a lot of supporters, your family and spouse. You will even need more than that though, as they will need a break from you and your reunion thoughts. Share with everyone who seems interested. Talk to adoptees, other birthmothers and adoptive parents if you are able. Some will not be interested but you may be amazed at the new and interesting allies you will meet. The experiences of others can teach us all a lot; take what you need from that information, give whatever you are able. It is quite interesting to gauge your progress through the eyes of others. Although, only you, yourself will know your reality, I have been able to find immense personal growth and an appreciation and respect for others that I was not aware could even be possible. Yech, this sounds like "born again". I'm not, although I can imagine how that must feel.
Summary statement: Trust your gut, that's why you have one! April 5/98
July 1998... Since creating these pages I have been overwhelmed by the intensity of caring found in all of those close to me as well as from many online responses from people I have never met. Never being able to share this experience with others except for Randy and now finding that I have exposed myself through out the internet has most certainly has been educational. What a gift to be able to discuss and enjoy life to the fullest!
I guess now if I would have one more point to add, for those who have not yet searched; what do you have to lose? Reunion, through the eye's of a birthmother, one who has searched and found. I will equate to the experience of climbing a ladder, with every rung you reach, every step you take, you are able to see a more intriguing view. I think and my experience shows, that there is so very much more to gain by living and being the real you; including everything that you may have perceived to be a bad thing. Face it. Admit it. Live it. That is who you really are. Sometimes life really sucks -- sometimes it doesn't!
Sean and I continue on with our reunion. For me it is much more intense, a fact of which I am grateful. Every encounter brings a new discovery, Big and Small, it is the truth and it is the reality. Endings and answers bring new questions = Life :)
Pretty neat, all that has happened over the past three years. Sean has had four birthdays now since I found him and finally, this year, his thirty-first, all is fairly well in my mind. We, birthmothers, have a sense of "knowing" but the real knowing, in my case has been to understand that we do not. It is helpful to have, and to go by inner sense, to begin with, but time and growth, as with any relationship guide one past, and onward and upward...
Reunion, to me, means a collision of two or more different realities. For myself, as a birthmother, the reality was that I lost a child; for Sean, he was raised and loved in a family that is his truth. Now, reunited we are able to forge - this new, different from any other, as well as interesting: adoption reunion relationship.
Update June
2001
Sean
and I, together with our families have had more opportunities to get
together. Thanks a whole bunch to Roo's
family gatherings. Each physical interaction brings more
understanding of who and what we are to each other...
I continue to learn.
Reunion,
finding and getting to know my son and his family, has been my most empowering
accomplishment to date. The freedom found in knowing, appreciating and
acknowledging past events could be equated to surviving other life changing
experiences, the strength gained from survival affords an amazing power.
There are times when I feel like an intruder in his life and nothing but time
will change that feeling. When this page was created in 1998, I fairly
brazenly titled it a "Success Story" I am very pleased that it has
worked out that way. Sean's mother created a beautiful memory album of
his life and experiences growing up. She recently gave this to me when we
all managed to get together to celebrate our grandson's birthday - I believe
she sees I mean no harm. That feels good.
I recently drove past Woodside, the unwed mothers home in which I had spent
those five months awaiting my sons birth, thinking
that the experience would be a bit traumatic. It had, however,
deteriorated a great deal in the more than thirty years since I had been there
and, something which I find to be sadly ironic: It is now a home for
senior citizens. Pity the soul who might end up there twice! A mean
bone in my body thinks though, that it is gratifying that some of the creators
of “unwed mothers homes” now reside in “seniors
homes,” where they too have a chance to enjoy their creations.
I
have not shared my experience with you because I want sympathy from
anyone. I have shared my experience in order to enlighten about the
birthmother experience, to tell of the past to educate and to inform. If
you have learned this one thing: the depth of a mothers love, then - I am
grateful.
Wow,
hard to comprehend that more than eight years have passed. I am now the grandmother
of five beautiful babies besides being a part of all of my sons
wonderful lives. I often think that my life is but a dream and I will be
soon woken up. The joy of this life certainly does outweigh the past, for
the past is the past and while it cannot be changed it must be accepted,
acknowledged and appreciated, tough, but do-able. What was the good in
it? Where is the silver lining?
The experience has enabled me to face my demons, and rise above. Maybe it
is my age, past fifty, but I think also a great deal of my power comes from
having dealt with my issues. Faced the facts.
Found the pleasures.
Our families, along with Sean and I, continue to develop and grow our
relationships, striving for several opportunities a year.
Your questions to both of us have provided us with many learning experiences,
where we may not have been bold enough to query each other you came forth and
brought us more understanding. I would like to thank you all for
that. The guest book entries (more than six hundred and fifty as of this
day, August 8/05) have also provided fodder for further exchange. Thank
you. All of this has lead me to the decision to write a book about the
experience, a birthmother experience, looking for the silver lining, while
shaking out some cobwebs, hoping to empower others to heal as well as one can.
Receiving a beautiful and amazing grandson through the adoption process, in a more accommodating and liberated society, has truly given me a depth of perspective that I doubt many are fortunate to attain. Through observing and being a part of this child's life, by seeing and hearing the instant connection his parents made with his entity - I am able to understand more thoroughly the bond my son's parents would have developed with him. The connection I feel towards my beautiful adoptive grandson is no different than the connection I feel towards any of my incredible grandchildren, born to us. I realize just how lucky I am.
There are feeling of guilt, occasionally, when we want Sean and his family to spend time with us and they have to attend to other commitments. Reunited family, most likely we birthmothers, need to be cognizant of the life our "children" had before us - often a full, busy, rewarding one with little time for extras. Again, we are extremely fortunate to have one of the most wonderful daughter-in-laws in the world who makes huge efforts to accommodate everyone. She really is amazing.
How do I feel about Sean having a relationship with his bf? I am happy for Sean because questions that I was unable to answer - have been answered. If I was in his place I would want to know more about my genetics - so it is good. I'm still a bit bitter over my reality - the female bears the burden of shame, experiences the connection and the subsequent loss: transformed forever and the male carries on as normal appearing unscathed. But life is too short to spend anymore time dwelling on what was... most important is the successful reality I have helped to create - Now.
Thanks for all of your web comments. We have used several of them to have some insightful discussions, learning about the affects of reunion, both, individually and collectively. You have posed questions that, earlier on at least, sparked learning opportunities that we, likely, would not have been bold enough to initiate ourselves. You have helped us grow.
From here -
Drifting apart - a fear I developed early on in the reunion relationship and managed to hold onto until the past year or so. I have drifted away from the fear and retained the relationship. One huge learning is that most worry is a massive waste of effort and energy. There needs to be a commitment, from reunion participants, to find time to attend to the relationship, or the risk of failure; I still believe, is real. I realize how extremely fortunate I am to have found a person who is willing and able to participate. He is also enabled by his family who have had to make adjustments to having an even greater extended family. I am still amazed at my wonderful daughter in law who contends with more than one mother in law - not that mother in laws aren't excellent - but we are a force none the less.
I had considered myself pretty comfortable with reunion and all of the players involved. The past eleven plus years have provided exposure to adoptive parents, birth relatives of all sorts and a grand finale - having an adopted grandson. I thought I had it figured.
So, I run into an old acquaintance. We get chatting about our children, now grown, who attended grade one together. It is a pleasant conversation, both have turned out well and life is good. The conversation carries on to other family members. She enquires about my other son. I am excited to share my experience, so I excitedly begin. I tell about the similarities, the idiosyncrasies and the serendipity of it all; how amazing it has been.
My friend then advises me that the friend she is with, the one she just introduced me to, is also involved in adoption: as an adoptive mother. The adoptive mother begins to speak and I am interested to listen. I have continued curiosity about the feelings of parents who have adopted children. My son and his wife have adopted an amazing child who we are fortunate to be able to call a grandson and this has provided plenty of occasions for understanding and developing, however times and the partially open relationship with our grandson's birthparents are different.
The adoptive mother begins with a declaration of her daughter's non interest in any relationship with any of her birth relatives. She continues to explain how her daughter's birthmother tried to explain why she had to give her daughter up with a sorry sob story about her life and the times. She went on to say that her daughter had a great life and considered her parents her parents and that was that. She ended with a firm pronouncement: "She's my daughter!"
Being one of those sad sob story supporters, I deflected the conversation quickly away from the subject followed by a hasty good bye and sorrowful retreat to the washroom where I barely managed to contain my sadness. I thought the world changed - because mine had. The depth of loss, perceived or real, evokes extreme reactions from within and without, adopted or birthed.
I feel sad for a world in which we think we can "own" people. It will be cool when we understand how fortunate we are to know the people we do and how fortunate we are to have them in our lives because of: Choice -and the options to make those choices.
October 2010 Update
Is the
reunion transpiring as you thought it would?
It is finally after 13 plus years at a level
that I didn’t dare to dream of initially.
This past summer siblings from both sides of my son’s family and my
son’s adoptive parents met. This event
added another dimension to the relationship and this time it was I who was an
observer of and witness to people exposed to the genetic similarities for the
first time. Fortunately there were
plenty of energetic grandchildren about, unknowingly acting as diversion for
the staring and observations taking place while everyone was together. There were one or two unnerving moments for
our youngest son as he was scrutinized from various angles throughout the
visit. This examination of the physical being of this baby son caused me wonder
of the repetitive pattern of fractals once more.
What
has surprised you the most?
After meeting the adoptive family and some of
my son’s friends I was surprised at how little they knew of us. Careers, etc. Once started I have a hard time not talking about reunion and
aspects of the relationship, I was surprised that this activity did not happen
on my son’s side.
I occasionally pause and see how much I have
grown personally by living the reunion experience and on other levels how I
have not. I am intrinsically who I am with some time upgrades but the core of
me is still - me.
What
has been the biggest challenge?
Geography comes first to mind although geography
has also allowed for email and telephone discussions that may not have evolved
in a closer proximity physical relationship.
Realizing that there are often other priorities to
life. A new challenge is
presenting this material to the next level of family: grandchildren. The who what when and why of out of an
unplanned pregnancy along with an explanation of some sort that explains
relinquishment in terms that my adoptive grandson can fathom while knowing that
given a second chance even with this reunion success I still would not have
chosen. The essence of me understands
for the greater good but often, I do not get it. As I dropped my son off after our last
meeting, I happened to reflect on how connected and open his mother was. We had just enjoyed several days of visiting
and meeting with all angles of the triad families. As he queried my Stability with the process,
I found myself without words, only a rush of regretful emotions followed
swiftly by an incredible urge to grow up which now seems physically impossible
given my age and the fact that I am very proud of the rest of me.
What
has been the easiest part of reunion?
Nothing.
Has
the relationship impacted other relationships in your life?
Reunion continues as the Success story we
bravely tagged it when these pages were brought to life more than 12 years
ago. There is an interesting study at
Going Through the Motions
<http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200901/mind-your-body-going-through-the-motions>
whereby visualization of positive results has been scientifically proven to
produce desired outcomes. I continue to
be surprised at the similarities of some of the genetic tendencies of my son
and my family. Examples are presented by
mannerisms, physical appearances and personality attributes that remind me of
the connections we hold as families and as humans. A tilt of a head, a tendency to interact with
bits and bytes and an inherent urge to tease come to mind. There are also individual differences. The fact of the matter is that adoption
allows individuals to have different experiences and there is nothing that can
be done to change that. Learning of past
experiences is healing and helpful but it cannot undo time.
Is
this relationship anything I dreamed of?
Not at all. My greatest
dream was that my son would not be angry at me.
That dream has come true. A dream
I would not have dared for is nowhere near what has transpired though. Our relationship is much more candid than I
expected. My husband and I are able to
be grandparents and in-laws to my son’s family.
This winter I happened to catch a television show about adoption in the
late 60’s and 70’s. Before
reunion a program such as this, with the brutal honesty, would have derailed me
for several weeks. The candour
of the women featured in the program blew me away. Another indicator of the level of growth and
recognition achieved by time and perseverance of some of the issues women who
relinquished under the circumstance of secrecy, shame and the dark abyss of the
future of not knowing how the child is or even if the child is growing or
living.
The first time I had any idea that I was adopted was when I was in my early teens. My dad and I were working away at something and he brought it up. He mentioned that my birth parents were young when they had me: 15 and 16. The adoption agency had given them very little other information. At first, the information was like a hidden secret and I felt like I had to tell the world. Then after a while, I realized that although the information was interesting it had little to bear on who I was, outside of my genetics. My mom and dad had raised me and installed the values I had, and supported me. So I accepted the information, took it in, and carried on with life.
The only time I would even think about being adopted is when I met other adoptees. Many would talk of their searches for their birth parents. There seemed to be a trend of interest after they discovered who they were (usually in their early 20's). They would want to know why they were the way they were: was it genetics? or was it environment? Would their birth parents be able to relate to them at a level they couldn't achieve with their parents? Could they answer questions about themselves that no one else could? The curiosity would keep them awake at night. One friend I talked to said his only goal was to reassure his birth parents that they had made the right choice.
This idea appealed to me. In fact, if I wasn't so distracted with life, I may have even acted on this initiative, but I didn't.
Then in April 1997 a week or so before my 28th birthday I received a phone call. It was a counsellor from Alberta who established my identity and then asked me if I knew I was adopted. When I responded he informed me that my birth mother would like to make contact with me and asked if I would allow her to call me. He then told me what my birth name was: Christopher Lee Brent. I was intrigued to find that although my mom had renamed me Robert Sean my younger brothers are Raymond Lee and Christopher Kelly.
I filled out the authorization form and composed a letter of introduction for some one I had never known, but who I am fundamentally a part of. I described who I was and how I got to where I am as a person. The first time we talked on the phone was very interesting. I tried to imagine what it would be like to give up a baby and wonder after him for 28 years. I couldn't, but I guessed that it would be emotionally draining and traumatic. I talked with Marilyn for several hours like old friends catching up with each other at a high school reunion but at a deeper level. I didn't know where the relationship was going but I was willing to invest time to get to know Marilyn and my blood relatives. I was relieved to find out that there was no family history of disease and that Marilyn has a good life with a loving husband and two sons (not including me).
The spring was filled with conversation as we learned more about each other and the people we know and love. It was a new experience for me to have someone so interested in my life and times, even my wife was not all that interested in my childhood exploits. Marilyn and Randy had the opportunity on our invitation to come and visit for a few days in the summer. I could tell that Marilyn was very nervous about the whole ordeal, but it was an important step to make the whole reunion real. They arrived at our doorstep in the early evening, and aside from some expected uncomfortable moments we got on well. Marilyn had warned me that she may have a hard time not staring at me and she held true to that forecast. I was pleased to see that they are a wonderful couple who are interested in many of the same things I like to do. I found that Marilyn had known of me for so long and had a deep bond with me, but I just started to get to know her, so the relationship felt a little off balance. She was confident with love and a desire to right any wrong in my life, and I felt like this is a really nice person and all but I hardly know her yet. I can see where some reunions like this could get derailed early: emotions are powerful. But everything worked out fine, Marilyn realized the way I felt and tried not to overwhelm me with attention. In fact, she began to be very concerned about scaring me off, like some scared rabbit. I found I was constantly reassuring her that I wasn't going anywhere and she had a lifetime to get to know me. I guess when you look for something for so long, once you find it you just don't want to lose it.
Another interesting feature of our reunion was meeting my half brothers. My brothers, I grew up with, were separated by a year in age and although we are fairly close (for brothers) we were all quite different from one another in looks, personality and interests. My half brothers on the other hand seem to have much more in common with me: they went to the same university and even lived in the same residence. The youngest one, Jody, has a striking resemblance to me (or vice versa) in both looks and some mannerisms. I had the opportunity to check all this out this past Christmas when we visited at Randy and Marilyn's place.
Overall, I have been very pleased with the results of our reunion. I have no expectations from the relationship outside of letting it grow at its own speed. I enjoy knowing and getting to know the woman who had the courage to bring me into the world. I have heard that many adoptions, especially the closed type that were so common in the 60's, were problematic and caused serious harm to all involved in some cases. The worst case scenario is often what a worried mother tends to prepare herself for emotionally. The reason I am writing this is to reassure people that adoption can work as it was intended and things can work out. You should prepare yourself for that possibility.
Life after
reunion ~ December 1999
Well, it's been close to three years now since Marilyn tracked me down. We still talk regularly by email and telephone. In many ways, our relationship has evolved like none other that I've experienced in my life. Recently I have attempted to compare this relationship to other relationships I have with relatives and friends. It became relatively clear through some discussion that I do not have any comparable relationships.
Almost all of my other relationships, aside those with my parents, have started with people that know nothing about me. In this case however, Marilyn had spent three decades thinking and pondering about me on a regular basis. In many ways though, we were complete strangers.
Although Marilyn immediately told me she had no expectations of our relationship, I felt as though she was looking for something that was lacking in my life. I was under the impression that she felt she had ruined my life with the decision she had made so many years ago, and given the chance to do over again, things would be different. While I constantly reassure her that my life has been rich and rewarding to date, I still feel the guilt she tries to hide from me. I know many of the circumstances surrounding my adoption, and I have never felt rejected or wronged by what happened. It has always seemed like a logical choice to me. Society and adoption have changed a lot since then and I realize that Marilyn may not have had much choice in the matter.
I don't feel as if I'm better off being adopted, nor do I feel like I have missed out on anything. It's just the way things worked out, and I feel I was dealt a pretty good hand to work with. Life is what you make of it.
So Marilyn and I have been redefining our relationship as it goes along. I think we have reached a point where we both feel comfortable talking about just about anything. Originally I felt bombarded by the waves of emotion that Marilyn emitted. I had no concept of the depth of her pain or separation anxiety. I know that I will never understand these emotions, but I know they run deep into the soul of motherhood. Now things seemed to have stabilized as they often do with time and patience, and we know each other as few people know each other. We have built a solid friendship.
I've received a few questions about the effects of reunion on my parents. Not mentioning this before, was a major oversight because it seems to be a critical component to any reunion and something every adoptee has to consider.
I think the reason I didn't include it in the page earlier on is that I wasn't exactly sure how my mom was going to handle it. I knew my dad was very supportive all along and I was able to talk to him about it, but my mom has never talked to me about being adopted. She has always been very protective.
I think the key is to reassure your adoptive parents that you can never be taken away from them and they will always be your mom and dad. I suppose that is why I have never referred to Marilyn as mom, or mother; since those titles are reserved for my mom. I am certain now that both my mom and dad are comfortable with my relationship with Marilyn. We've fairly recently all had supper together and no food was thrown. I think it is a natural instinct for any parent to be protective of their children whether they are born to them or adopted. Patience overcomes most fear.
The question of identity is an important one, in retrospect, because things get confusing all around if you have more than one person trying to fill the role of mother or father. That's why I think it is important to define new relationships with reunited birth parents. They can be just as deep and rewarding without the confusion.
We continue to get quite a bit of feedback from the website and each other. I would like to take this opportunity to thank people for their interesting questions and comments. Reading and replying to emails has helped me understand my situation better and relate to many people who are sharing many of the same emotions and experiences. It is truly a small interconnected little planet we live on.
Here's some commentary and introspection generated through some recent email correspondence. I notice people look for these more recent updates.
It has been nearly 7 years now since my birth mother found me, and although things are quite stable and comfortable now, it wasn't without a lot of patience on both our parts and getting to know one another before we've got to the stage we are at now. I think we still have a lot to learn from each other.
In the beginning, I didn't know what to expect, and I had no idea how things would turn out. Now, there is no doubt in my mind that we are both stronger, wiser, and richer (emotionally, spiritually) people for the experience. It takes some investment, and quite a bit of trust, but if you build a new relationship, even if it is logistically inconvenient, you may be pleasantly surprised at the results.
I was recently at a 50th wedding anniversary, where the honoured couple, good friends of mine, shared some of their wisdom. We all lead busy lives they said, and at the end of it, your career, the things you acquire or build, or the money you saved; none of it will mean anything compared to the relationships you've forged with family and friends. Those are the only things that will hold any lasting value for you.
As adoptees, we are afforded the unique opportunity to grow our families larger than they already are. It doesn't have to be at the expense of our existing family and friends, it can be a healthy, diverse addition which makes us truly richer. I suppose we have to decide if the relationship(s) are worth the investment or not.
One thing I have learned is adoptions and adoption reunions do not happen without pain, worry, stress and anxiety. They also can have their fair share of joy, excitement, satisfaction and contentment. These roller coasters of emotion create an interesting mix, particularly when building new relationships, so it is prudent to be honest, kind and patient.
Hard to imagine that next spring it will have been 10 years since Marilyn found me. We just enjoyed a wonderful two week camping trip together last month with many of our extended families. It was fun watching all the kids playing and the grandparents spoiling them whenever the parents had their backs turned. My wife and I have added some more birth family connections by adopting a baby boy (two days old) in the fall of 2002. We have an openness agreement with his birth parents and provide regular updates back and forth to keep in touch. He is growing amazingly fast and is teaching us lots about ourselves and each other. We thought he would have trouble keeping all his different grandparents, aunts and uncles and such straight, but he is a total socialite with an astounding memory.
Since the last update I've also forged a connection with my birth father. I had his information for quite a while and it was gnawing on me that I hadn't made contact. He and Marilyn had never resolved their injuries from so long ago, so I was hesitant to even go there. I decided life is short, and I needed to make that bridge and let him know that I didn't harbour any ill feelings towards him. I discovered more family medical history, solving a long mystery for me, and through email have met some more pleasant extended family to get to know over time.
My adopted family is also doing well and I feel as close to them as I ever have. Reunion has opened up the unspoken corners of our relationships and many of the long held fears of losing me have subsided. Our biggest challenges now are finding enough time to do all the things our friends and family want to do together, and in my mind that is a pretty nice problem to have.
Although the strongest relationships in your life will persist with little to no effort, it is a wise investment of time to keep the important connections strong and current. That has a been a bit of a challenge for me with reunion lately as we moved to the far side of the planet on a work exchange for six months. Keeping connected while you are in vastly different time zones and adapting to a foreign culture requires a stronger effort than when you can just pick up the phone in the evening and call. Not only that but as you meet new people and build new relationships you end up having to balance the time you spend living and experiencing the world against the time you spend communicating to all the people you have built relationships with.
It was comforting to return and find we were able to pick up where we had left off. I think it is an indication of the strength of your relationship when that is possible, and I am glad that Marilyn and I share that. I am also finding it easier to express love in our relationship. I have a lot of respect for the word and do not use it lightly, although perhaps I am mellowing with age. When I use it I like it to be meaningful and sincere. I couldn't use it honestly at the beginning of reunion because for all intents and purposes Marilyn was a stranger to me. It was an awkward situation because there was no question that she loved me, and I respected that and wanted to be able to reciprocate, but I just wasn't there.
It has taken me a few years of knowing Marilyn and Randy for that love to grow. It's not that they are a challenge to love or anything (quite the opposite), but I think love is a deep connection that takes time to build. It probably has more to do with building capacity within yourself that it does with the other person, and Marilyn had a head start. I am very proud to have her and Randy as part of my family, and I feel fortunate to be able to share the reunion journey with them. I love them both more than they know.
Being an adoptive parent has given me some insight to many of the fears associated with adopting a child and the potential of losing them to a force beyond your control. Like most fear, especially parental fear, it is often disproportionate to the real risk and can be greatly reduced with a bit of knowledge. The irony is that the tighter and more desperately you try to hold on to your child, the more likely you are to drive them away. I think the best any parent can do is be a person that your child is proud to know and love.
I feel very fortunate that my adoptive
parents have been very supportive of me throughout my life and that hasn't
changed in reunion. I am proud to be a part of the family they built through
adoption and love them both very much. I know that is something that will never
change for me.
November 2010
Is the reunion transpiring
as you thought it would?
In many ways the relationships
involved in our reunion have grown rather organically during opportunities to
get together and I could not have predicted the way we have grown together. I
must credit Marilyn’s energy for forging a deeper and stronger bond than I
would have thought possible.
However, I do think that our
brazen declaration of success initially allowed us to visualize a positive
reunion experience. To quote a good friend; ‘you bring about what you think
about’. So in that regard the reunion is on track with what I imagined. I am
very grateful that the people whom Marilyn and I have dragged unwittingly into
reunion with us have chosen to see it as a positive experience as well and have
contributed to making it more amazing.
What has surprised you the most?
This summer I watched my brothers from birth family and adopted family
interact with curiosity, humour and genuine friendship. This was the first time
that most of my adoptive family had the chance to meet extended birth family
and I think they were quite interested in some of the similarities caused by
genetics. This created a bit of a change where I wasn’t the person of greatest
interest or visual scrutiny, and it gave my youngest brother a taste of being
on display. I guess Marilyn and I had
grown to a deeper point in our relationship but the rest of our families were
still experiencing fresh parts of reunion.
The other part of reunion
that continually surprises me is how much we have learned from one another. It
makes me wonder how well we really know anyone.
What has been the biggest challenge?
Making time, with all the other things we fill up our lives with. I was
going to cop out and say ‘being a guy’ where relationship maintenance is just
not part of the Y chromosome but I thought better of it. ;-)
What has been the easiest part of reunion?
Smiles, teasing, playing and hugs.
Has the relationship impacted other relationships in your life?
Without a doubt. I am just very glad that the
impacts seem to be largely positive. My wife is probably the most affected by
the reunion and as Marilyn has said in many updates I am a lucky man to have
her in my life.
Is this relationship anything I dreamed of?
Honestly, I didn’t really have dreams about what our relationship could be.
It seemed like a good thing to do and I threw caution to the wind, like I am
prone to do occasionally, and ended up in a life changing adventure. An
adventure that I continue to enjoy and have grown to cherish with people I
love.
Click here
to post a message in our guestbook
Guestbook
started June 1999
or email your
comments or questions to either of us:
Marilyn grubb2@telusplanet.net Sean
rfrey@mts.net
November
2010