Brian's
Page
Coming Out
I have reversed the order of these writings so they are now arranged towards the past. I think the present and the future hold more by far. Looking back it seems like an amazing journey to bring me / us to the point we're at now!
I feel very much at peace. I look back at the writings of the past few years and realize how confused I was by it all - the whole coming out of 1997 - 1999 maybe even into the 2000's was handled in a rather disjointed state. Before that I always thought I was emotionally healthy. Until relatively recently I have felt "fragile" much of the time. It doesn't take too many disturbed sleep patterns, conflicts, or emotional upsets for me to feel an emotional crisis approaching. Luckily I know the episodes are relatively short lived and usually solved within the loving support of Jeff, or maybe even by something as simple as getting well rested once again. I am more aware now, of the need to take care of myself. Before 1997 life just cruised along. So I view life as more challenging, with many more ups and downs, but oh so wonderful! I have worries and fears, and of course all sorts of insecurities.... but LIFE IS GREAT!!!
WEDDING WORDS - May 20, 2006
Who would have thought!!! Just a quick reflection on our marriage - I may revisit this and reword it later - Of course when Jeff and I got together we both said we would never marry again... it wasn't even a glimmer of a possibility in our minds. That makes it easy to say you don't think marriage is for you. But then some of the provinces legalized same sex marriages. Still we live in Alberta, why would we travel to get married and then return home where it wouldn't be recognized? Finally the federal government took the step. Suddenly we had an option we didn't imagine would ever come about. It didn't take much consideration to decide we wanted to be married. We didn't feel it would change our relationship and indeed for myself I felt it was more a political statement than a legal necessity. The challenge was to keep it simple and to make it meaningful. I think we managed fairly well on the first account, and succeeded beyond our dreams on the second. I think the approximately 90 friends and family who were present would agree.
Now what will our federal government do in the fall?? I know the "fight's" not over, but I hope the people who attended our wedding will tell two friends, and they'll tell two friends, and so on and so on and so on................ Marriage is about love and commitment.
Thoughts:
-5 Years!! or is that 6?
-Gay people should be able to get married.
-Ex-wives need to get over it and get on with their lives. - also - Parents can be Children. Can Children be Parents?
-5 Years!! or is that 6? -It depends on what timeline you're measuring. Amazingly it has now been over five years that Jeff and I have been together. It is forever, I have no doubts at all. Each day is better than the one before - well most of them - lol. Put it this way, the relationship continues grow - we are life partners. We are still enjoying country living - simplified. We have pared our menagerie down to 3 - two inside dogs, one outside cat. I have rekindled my passion for gardening and we actually have a yard hewed out of the crabgrass and hay which used to be our back yard. We each commute in opposite directions, to good jobs we both appreciate (love might be too strong a word there). Financially I can say we are now in a "positive" stage. Budget is a new and welcome word in my vocabulary. The turmoil of a new life is well behind us which means we can plan more for the future. - Which brings us to:
-Gay people should be able to
get married. -
Well, this is certainly a new one isn't it?
Jeff and I, having both been married, and then divorced, were quick to
reply that we would never get married again. Easy to say isn't it,
when it was not even a possibility? The fact that we both have
same sex employee benefits seems old hat. Then pension changes brought
us another step forward towards "equality". With the recent changes we
have actually started thinking about marriage. Not only do we think
about the possibility, but also the reason for marriage - how would it
impact our lives? I still deal with a perception so ingrained as to what
a marriage is, having been raised in a "heterosexual" world with the
values, roles, and modeling of what is "normal" or what is "right".
Jeff and I made our vows to each other on Thanksgiving of 1998. It was our statement of love and commitment for our own benefit. Why would we need a marriage to validate our relationship? If one takes into consideration many of the letters to the editor lately, it certainly would not bring any more validity in the eyes of those people. So in my own mind, I work through lists "in favor" and "against" - for Jeff and I. I don't know at this point. My gut feeling is that if the legislation is passed, we will become a married gay couple. Main reasons? To celebrate our equality, if only in the eyes of our government (and of course all enlightened people); to celebrate our love in front of our friends and our family; and to "normalize" gay relationships. Who knows? I believe that each couple, gay or straight, should be able to decide what form of commitment their relationship takes. Just as straight couples may decide that marriage is not "their cup of tea" so will gay couples. What irks me most are the people who declare it will be the end of the family, or that it discriminates against families. What are families, if not relationships built on love? What makes a gay marriage or a gay family any less? Then of course we get to the tirade against homosexuals using biblical passages - but that is better left to somebody more informed of ancient interpretations of the Bible than myself. (just why is it that "they" pick and choose what to quote and what to ignore)
-Ex-wives need to get over it and get on with their lives. - also Parents can be Children. Can children be Parents? - The big one from my "previous" life. No change here. No communication. Hate and anger. My ex-wife and some of her family still chose to make my younger daughter's graduation an unnecessarily awkward situation instead of a celebration of achievement. In picking up my daughters for our usual supper this past June, my ex-wife and I spoke for the first time in over a year. She greeted me with "What are you doing here?" followed by "Get the #*!# out my yard" and "What did the police tell you?" (that last one is another story). To put it bluntly, it's all I can do to keep from running - she scares me. I do congratulate myself on being able to speak calmly (if not entirely appropriately) and keep from screaming (this has not always been the case). I feel anger for the awkward situations she keeps putting our daughters in. Can children be parents? - well you know what I mean. They are 18 and 22. I guess it's going to be up them to confront one or both of us with their wishes, and how the future unfolds for family functions / relationships. There are some things in life one has very little control over. This is one of mine. There's nothing I can do here. This is someone else's work.
And yes, life is good!!!
A
visitor to our site has given me a friendly reminder that it has been
some time since I have done anything to update my personal section of
the web page. As I look back over the previous writing I am once
again amazed at my journey. I might also mention that I am amazed that
anyone makes it through the rather extensive monologue. I am glad
I wrote it, and am also glad I chose to leave it as it was written in
March 2000.
So what's new? Not much actually. The coming out process looks to be an ongoing one, but for the most part has little impact on my day to day existence. We proudly display our rainbow colors in flags, decor, and vehicle stickers - although I must admit when a neighbor asked what the flag represented, I copped out and said, "Celebrate Summer" - like I said, the coming out process is an ongoing one.
I have had a few surprises along the way, but not many. In June, a colleague asked me what my husband did for a living. Although there was somewhat of a mind jolt internally, I just responded "computer related work, tech and support". Keeping in mind this came from a person I viewed as a Christian "fundamentalist" I was a little taken aback. I'm still not sure why he used the word husband - I haven't figured out the appropriate title for Jeff yet <g>!! Both Jeff and I have been to family reunions where we seem to be pretty well accepted as a couple - maybe some people just don't "get it", but for most it does not appear to be a big deal. The questions and comments haven't shown any negativity in my work situation either. I'm not sure what I was expecting. Last June, Jeff and I appeared on a couple of TV stations in a clip showing us holding hands as we walked in the Pride Parade. There were a couple of surprised staff members, but again no outwardly negative responses. One staff member even mentioned that this clip became a subject of conversation in the high school hallways the following Monday. A surprise to a number of students that their former elementary teacher is gay - to which her daughter replied, "So what? He's still one of the best teachers I've ever had." One can only hope that being out is not only healthy for oneself, but in the long run, helping to create a healthier society - is that too lofty a dream?
There have been a few negatives - a few reminders that hate and discrimination is still a consideration and concern. Our web page has received a couple of nasty responses - some quite wordy, others "simply" worded. They are upsetting reminders that for some people, being gay qualifies one as something akin to pond scum or worse. We never respond to those emails or signatures in our guest book. The guest book entries are deleted promptly (one stayed in view for a week as we were on holiday) and Jeff once wrote to a service provider to indicate that their customer's use of the internet did not fit their "worded" policy. We also received a word of caution from another gay man while camping on the Oregon coast. He and his partner had formerly lived in San Francisco, but since moving to the interior of Oregon were now "completely" closeted in their own community, and no longer displayed the rainbow colors on their vehicles. A reminder for ourselves of how lucky we have been in our coming out process to this point. So far, at least, I haven't been tailed, and menaced by other drivers for doing so, as he had. I guess rednecks abound in other locations than ours. Concerns I never had in a "previous life". The concerns that make me angrier because I know that it's not just gay people that suffer the prejudice and hate of others.
And family life? Well Jeff and I are now an old "married" couple when it comes to gay relationships I guess, but have met and read about many others. Who knew gay men could have stable relationships!!?? <g> The relationship grows stronger every day. I wonder when the honeymoon will end. LIFE IS GOOD!! (but I won't talk about money right now) My divorce is finally over and as a result I seem to be getting emotionally stronger (yes, I still cry at movies). The access to my children has been much easier and we are usually able to get together for a weekend once a month, as well as our weekly suppers. I have basically given up on any kind of "relationship" with my ex-wife. (Today as the kids and I left the carwash, she happened to drive by. She had the most lovely smile on her face as she gave me the finger and continued on her way.) As I have often been told, there are some things over which I have no control, and therefore are not my problem. (but it still hurts). Jeff's kids have had it much easier, and we see them, their mother and her boyfriend, often.
Thanks to all who have discovered / visited our web page, and have responded to it. It is nice to know that our stories continue to provide a "real" face to the coming out process, and support to many. I encourage you to let us know by sending email.
Over the past number of weeks, we have had a lot of visitors to our web page. Those visitors, in many cases have been married gay men, or gay men who have chosen to leave their marriage. It has reminded me a lot of the difficult situation I found myself in less than two years ago, and the pain involved in my decision to leave the marriage. But most of all the struggle in accepting myself. Man, am I ever in a different space today!! My self-esteem has soared. The world is a much better place!
At this point much of my story is known to family, colleagues and friends. My children know the circumstances, but haven't heard or asked to hear (or maybe even need to hear) the whole thing. I have shared details with those who ask - at least as much as they want to know or feel comfortable with. Nobody can really know the whole story of my coming out. I am still working through it at times, and I guess could be called a work in progress - in my mind this is a good thing. Like Jeff, I feel very accepted by those who know. And at last I feel no shame in being gay, although at times there is definitely fear, and anger - more on that later. The emotional upheavals are gone for the most part. At times I could even say I am rejoicing in being gay. I am certainly rejoicing in having the good fortune to have found a soul mate - somebody whom I love with all my heart.
DENIAL
Keep in mind that as I write this, hindsight is 20/20. Perspective changes as time passes and like many other married men whose stories I have read, I can see now that I pursued the straight life in an effort to fit in and be normal. I recognized my attraction to the male figure especially early, probably about age 8 or 9, but didn't really associate a sexuality to it. Even as a teenager, when I began to have homosexual fantasies, the reading and information I had at the time convinced me that this was part of normal teenage experience. Normal and yet not talked about. At the same time I was quite conscious of how my best friend, who was effeminate in action and slimly built, was treated by our peers, and family. Teasing and fag comments helped convince me that I did not fit into that category myself, or more importantly that I could "overcome" it; that it was only a phase, and of course it would pass. I guess I probably convinced myself that I was "normal". I did make an attempt to come on to my friend just once - but he never made the move and I of course was too scared. He and I roomed through the first year of university, and I began dating my future wife. Amazingly he and I never talked on the subject of sexuality at all. He worked in the restaurant business and often came home with vague stories of his experiences "after hours". They were always stories about other men coming on to him. After that first year rooming together I had very little contact with him. He worked as a waiter on the train, and later moved to Vancouver. It wasn't until perhaps the mid 80's that I found out he had died of AIDS. And through all our friendship from junior high to university we had never talked about sex or sexuality. I guess both of us somehow felt because of our differences that we would be judged by the other. In some ways I have regrets in that he was very much a loner, often desperate to fit in with others, even those who would take advantage of him, and for all I know died very much alone too.
The years following, through courtship and marriage, I feel my wife and I became a very insular couple. We did everything together. Where one went, the other was there. What one did, the other did too. It is easy to view it in this regard as I look back - to make it sound confining or constraining. But at the time that was the way I was happiest. I believe I truly loved and cared for her, and I know she certainly loved and cared for me. Even early in the marriage though, the attraction for other men, highly sexual in nature, was there. Each time, I convinced myself that I could beat it. Even in the second year of our marriage, with my first m2m experience, as I let my wife know what had happened, we both convinced ourselves that it was "normal" and that we were truly happy together. Again it was just a phase, or something I needed to try to get it out of my system. We never talked of it again until January of 1997.
As I continue this story and read back over it, it sometimes comes across a little too cliche in areas, and maybe a little bit cut and dried, but if you have made it this far in your reading, you must either personally know me, or you must have experienced similar experiences or feelings. Then again maybe I'm a better writer than I think. I know that reading of similar experiences or situations in other men's, especially married men's lives, helped me. Maybe this writing will help others. For some it may help them to understand.
We were married in August of 1974 and separated in June 1998. For most of that time we had a "normal" marriage. We often joked that our life was boring and we liked it that way as we heard of the trials and tribulations which other people went through. I guess in some ways I even felt a little superior. Friends and family for the most part tended to view our marriage as idyllic. The sexual feelings for men never did go away, but in the day to day life of a working couple and then a young family, it isn't something which permeated my entire being. I could become very graphic in the ways in which I chose to deal with my sexuality, but suffice it to say that each time I was sure it was the last time, that I could control my thoughts and actions. I was sure my marriage would last forever, and that my wife and I would grow old together. Even until shortly before we separated, we were still making plans for the years ahead, as the kids would grow up and leave home. There - in three paragraphs I have described a marriage of 22 years!
How quickly things can change!
CRISIS
Now, how to summarize the last couple of years. My wife, I think, blames the arrival of the internet in our household for the change in me. I did not "become" gay because of the accessibility of nude pictures, pornography or even chat lines. The internet gave me the opportunity to explore more fully, what I had already discovered: that I was not alone in these feelings, that I was not the only one, that I was not unique in my feelings or my situation. But although it may have hastened the coming out process, it wasn't the reason. You do not "become" gay because of exposure to other gays, or through the observations of a gay "community". At no time did I think, "Gee, I would like to be gay!" On the contrary, my exposure to, and observations of homosexuality, filled me with disgust. I detested my attraction to other men. I felt sick in the sexual expression of it. I would deny with vehemence that I was gay. I did not find it abhorrent in others and felt truly accepting of others with such a "lifestyle", but I certainly wasn't gay myself!! To make a really, really, really long story somewhat shorter, I reached a crisis point in January of 1997. Through internet and chat lines, I had made arrangements to meet another man in a similar situation. The planned meeting did not take place - due to miscommunication, but emotionally I crashed. I was horrified by my intentions. I confessed everything to my wife. A whole life history. I sank into a deep depression.
One Monday morning I woke up and basically could not face the future. My wife took me to the emergency ward at the local hospital and I started on anti-depressants. I was on leave from my job for the remainder of the year, with one attempt to go back to work. I found a new counselor and continued weekly therapy sessions. For much of the time I was irrational, possibly suicidal - I still sometimes have thought that I lacked the courage to do that. I lived for my family and still with the thoughts of how much I was hurting them. I convinced myself, first that I was bisexual and then, with the "support" of my wife, that our marriage could survive if it was more open. I talked of primary and secondary relationships. I became involved with the same man I had arranged to meet earlier. Thankfully in many ways he turned out to be a friend, and definitely a sounding board for my confusion. He also gave me advice that was to be repeated almost a year later - that I had to "do what is right for Brian". In exploring that relationship, I found only that I was drawn away from my wife and children, making decisions that were hurtful to them and emotionally I could not take much more. I felt that what was right for Brian was the comfort, security and love of my wife and children. Still there was turmoil. More than once I threatened to leave. More than once, my wife told me to leave. Many times we each begged each other to hold on, that we would make it. After a period of four months I convinced myself I had made a terrible mistake and that all I was looking for was friendships, and experiences of my own. I felt that the problem in the marriage was that it was too insular, and that I needed to make an effort to get out, develop interests outside the parameters we had each set. And yet frightened to do so. That summer was a time of trying to rebuild our family relationships. During the depression I had become very distant to the children, and reliant on my wife. It wasn't long before the feelings returned. I once again felt that I could beat this.
SELF ACCEPTANCE
Things were different however. Firstly, I was able to continue work. Secondly, the counseling resumed but somehow took on a more introspective look. Less on the environmental factors, and more on my own self analysis. I was still repeating patterns of behavior that filled me with disgust and anger, but gradually I began to accept these behaviors as part of who I was. What made me the angriest was that they were once again hidden and that once again I was lying to my wife who now had the knowledge of the past to deal with, and as well the (well-deserved) mistrust of me. Probably a pivotal point in all of this was when my medical doctor made a passing observation that perhaps the depression would not lift until I quit doing what I felt other people expected of me, and began doing what was right for me. Of course mixed in all this is the whole value system which I had used to identify right from wrong, good from bad. Even marriage vows which indicated a lifelong commitment until "death do us part". I was torn apart. I had reached a point where I had to accept myself in order to survive. This time it was my reading which led me to acceptance of myself. And I guess the time was right. I read that to be gay meant more than being sexually attracted to men. It was also the emotional attraction to men. To that point, I had always thought of gayness only in sexual terms. I mean the sexual attraction to men had always been obvious, but I had never even thought of the emotional aspect of being gay. It was pivotal. I guess more so in that by this point I had also met Jeff and was deeply in love with him. At age 45 I could finally say "I'm gay. I accept me." I could even say I love me. I am not sick. I am not perverted. I am coming out to me!!!
COMING OUT TO OTHERS
What I could finally accept for me, was in some cases relatively easily accepted by others. Unfortunately not by my wife. I do not excuse my treatment of her. It was not intentional, but I made many mistakes as I struggled with my own acceptance. I wish I could have done things differently, and yet I do not live with regrets. I handled it all as best I could with the information and understanding (or lack of it) that I had. As has been said before, hindsight is 20/20.
I don't know how quickly this all would have happened had not the window of opportunity presented itself. Jeff and I had made plans to go camping in July. My wife (knowing of previous "camping" plans from the year before) flat out refused to let me go. She simply said, "You are not going." We didn't discuss it further, and the next morning she announced at the breakfast table that "Mommy and Daddy are separating." My younger daughter was not at the table but my elder daughter was. She was crying and all I could say was that Daddy had really hurt Mommy badly. She and I talked in her room for a little while and I reassured her that whatever happened it would all turn out the way it was meant to. Then I told her to have a good day! We both laughed and cried at the same time at that! I went to work but couldn't hold on, so I drove to Jeff's work place and let him know that this was all I could take. The stress was ripping everyone in the family apart. When my wife got home, I was laying on the couch. She came in like nothing had happened and asked what was the matter. I didn't respond, so then she asked if I had made a decision. I said I was leaving - her reaction was one of total shock. She couldn't believe it. She started screaming and the next couple of days were a blur. First we told the kids, then we drove to tell my mother and her father as well as some siblings - all without explaining why. They were all pretty well in shock. Shortly after that she told her family the reason why and filled them in on some of the history. I then drove to tell my mother and one of my sisters - my first coming out experience where I felt honest and sure of myself - even though it was done somewhat under duress. Since then the process of coming out has become easier, and I guess in some ways less important, in some ways more important. At this point I can finally say I have a community of support around me. Those who knew me before I came out (my own family and friends (mainly colleagues)), those I have met through Jeff (his family and friends), and an ever growing circle of friends in the "gay community". There is a core of me that is still the same. But now I feel very much the "whole" package. My crisis may have come in midlife, but there is so much of life yet to be lived as was meant to be lived by me.
I have talked little about how this has affected my wife and daughters. After almost two years, what my "ex" expresses towards me is anger, hurt, and rage for a love lost, a feeling of being used and I guess also feeling I misled her through all of our marriage. The divorce process has been a long and frustrating experience. There is no healing evident on her part. We do not communicate. That has been extremely hard on the girls. I am able to see them regularly, but life as a gay dad has not been what I had hoped or expected. In leaving the marriage, I felt my daughters needed to be there for my wife, and neglected what I needed as a father. The sense of family is in many ways missing. Still as they are in their mid and late teens, I think they have a good understanding of the situation. We enjoy our times together, however brief. I guess that part of the story will come in the chapter "Mistakes I Continue to Make". They say time is a great healer. One can only hope.
LIFE IS GOOD
The fact is, this story is still in progress. It is very much a summary, and the details are kept to a minimum. I realize to many this would appear bizarre. I have often said lately that portions of the past couple of years have been like an unbelievable soap opera. I hope that by reading this you may have a bit of understanding of the struggles I have faced, and the journey I am on. Jeff and I have a wonderful life in the country - I am even off medication! Mood swings have really leveled out. Life is not only good, it is wonderful.
I realized as I continued working on this, that it would go on and on and on. So I have chosen to stop here. This is also the "final" draft, as I realize how time has a way of changing perceptions. This is a record of mine, March 2000. I am open to discussing and hearing from others who have made it through this monologue. Please send email.