The New Age of Women

Author Unknown

A long long time ago the guy upstairs had too much time on his hands so he decided to be creative. He sat down and thought, “what can I do to make things interesting? I’m soooo bored”. So, he decided to create “a creature”. He began by taking some pond scum that he found laying in the backyard and worked it with his hands until he had something that looked vaguely like “a person”. It had 2 arms, 2 legs, 2 eyes, 2 wings, 2 ears, 2 noses, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, Once he had created this mess of 2’s, he decided that it wasn’t really what he wanted. So, he took away some of the 2’s. When he had finished, he had a creature with 0 legs, 0 eyes, 0 wings, 0 ears, 0 noses, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0. It just rolled around on the floor and bumped into things. “Mmmmmm” , he thought, “this isn’t much fun”. So he took some 2”s, some 1”s and some 0’s and tried again. This time he made a creature with 2 legs, 2 eyes, 0 wings, 2 ears, 1 nose and some other 1’s and 2”s and called it “ug”. Some of us would have called it “ugly” but that’s irrelevant. This irrelevant thing was eventually called hominus stupidius, “a man”.

He decided that he needed a place to put his little creation because he didn’t want it to move around the floor of his new “elohrehpog”. He sat down and thought about where he could put his little creation and came up with a great idea. He would create an environment for his little creature and call it the “nedefonedrag”. Before he could do this he needed a place to put the “nedefonedrag” so he created “htraednanevaeh”. Now he could put the “nedefonedrag” in “htraednanevaeh”. Doing this took a little longer than he thought it would. It took more resources than he originally estimated for and it also cost a lot more money than he had to spend on it, so, everything went to the lowest bidder. He was very “democratic” in a “liberal” sort of way. All the materials were imported from the “esenapaj” company which had a habit of providing materials of cheaper quality for a cheaper price. They never provided a warranty and never lived up to the service agreement as promised in their contract. If things broke, you bought a new one. I think they used the “sears” model of doing business.

So now he had created a “htraednanevaeh” to put his “nedefonedrag” made out of inferior materials provided by the “esenapaj” company so he would have a nice little spot to put his new creation which he named "Mada" instead of “Ug”. He also neglected to budget for any enhancements that his new creation might need in some future releases. “Mada” was one of a kind never to be reproduced, “thank God”. Hey, that’s a good name for the guy upstairs. I think from now on, I’ll call this guy upstairs by the name of “God”.

All day long “Mada” ran around the “nedefonedrag” making a nuisance out of himself. He stuck his face into every nook and cranny that he could find to see what else had been created and let loose in the “nedefonedrag”. “Mada” discovered creatures with 0’s, no legs who wiggled around on their bellies. He wondered if they were some of the 0’s that his maker removed from him so he could walk around. “Mada” found things hanging from trees that he decided not to touch since they were nice and round, shiny, and pretty to look at. They were also smooth and felt firm and fleshy. “Mada” liked this so he left them as they were. Sometimes he would sit there and stare at them for days, until he felt the urge to go. He would do his thing by squatting behind a tree or behind a rock somewhere. Once he was done, he would go back to investigating the “nedefonedrag” to see what else had been put there. Never once did he ever think about leaving the “nedefonedrag” to see what had been created outside. “Mada” was happy as a clam and never wanted to leave.

God saw this and decided that “Mada” wasn’t exactly what he had in mind when he created this creature. The creature didn’t do much. He didn’t move very fast, hardly ever talked, didn’t eat anything, didn’t destroy stuff, was friendly with the other creatures in the “nedefonedrag” and generally got along very well in this environment. The creature seemed happy with his little world and looked like he would be happy to stay there forever. The lack of incentive in “Mada” really irked God. He wondered, “what can I do to rectify this situation. It isn’t broken but I have to fix it anyway”. So God created another project to fix a project that wasn’t broken but met the original specifications as set down by the project sponsor. The only problem was that once the sponsor saw the results of his specifications, he changed his mind. This spawned another project. So, God sat down and came up with a new set of “specs” for his new creature. It had to be interesting, active, creative, desirous of things, ambitious, curious, smart, sexy and pretty. Of course, this time, God wasn’t going to spare any expense. He was determined to get exactly what he wanted, just like the last time. Again, the project went over budget and took a lot more time than originally estimated for, but, at last God was ready to foist his new creature on “Mada” in the “nedefonedrag”. Needless to say, God was so anxious to implement this new creation that he cut short the test phase of the project so he didn’t really know if the new creation met all the specifications as called for in the contract won again by the “esenapaj” company. He should have known that things might not work out exactly as planned but he was in too much of a rush to get the job done and see the results of his newest project. So, off it went, no quality assurance, no compatibility testing, no documentation on how to use the new creation, nothing, nada, nil, zilch. Poor “Mada”. He never saw it coming. He was blind-sided by the new creation who we will call “Eve” for the sake of argument. “Eve strolled down the garden path toward the creature called “Mada”. “Mada” was playing with himself when she got there so he didn’t see her approach. As he turned around, he saw “Eve”, standing over him. “Wow, what a dame,” he thought to himself. He looked at her, she looked at him. They looked at each other. A match made in heaven, or so he thought. Hey, he thought, “she had some 2”s that I don’t have”. He reached out to touch her pair of 2’s. “Slap”. “Ohhh”, that hurt. From that day on, “Mada” and others like him have never touched a pair of 2”s in public. What happens after the sun goes down is another story.

One day, God decided to visit “Mada” and “Eve” in the “nedefonedrag” to see how his creations were doing. He also took a bag of goodies that he found left over from the last project, things that didn’t get implemented because the test phase was cut short and it wasn’t discovered that they were missing until the project was completed and signed off by the project sponsor. So God took the bag with him. As he walked along the garden path, he ran into “Mada” and “Eve” who were having a discussion on how and where to build a house. As usual, “Eve” did all the talking and “Mada” just nodded to show that he was still awake. “Mada” had already learned the technique of “Active Listening”. Just nod and grunt once in a while and everything will be ok. God interrupted their discussion with a loud “Ahem”. Both “Mada” and “Eve” jumped a few feet away. They weren’t expecting company. God approached them and asked them how they were doing. He mentioned that he had a few “gifts” in his bag which he had brought down for them, things that they couldn’t live without. He looked in the bag and heard a growling sort of noise. Out jumped another little creature which ran around “Mada” and “Eve” jumping up and down. It went over the “Mada”, lifted it’s leg and promptly peed all over “Mada”. It had been in the bag for quite a while. Being the type of guy he was, “Mada” just laughed and asked God, “What the hell is that?” God said, “That is a “Dog”. I made him just for you so you would have something to look after that would be faithful, quiet and give you unconditional love.” “Mada” thought about this and said, “Thank you, are you taking “Eve” back with you?” “Oh no,” said God. “She’s here to stay, just thought you’d like a little distraction.” “I also have some other stuff in the bag,” said God. “Who wants the first enhancement, it will enable you to pee standing up.” “Mada” thought about that and said he would really like to be able to pee standing up because he always scratched his bottom when he squatted. So, God gave him the enhancement that would let him pee standing up. I think they called it by the name of “Dick”. God attached “Dick” to “Mada”, now “Mada” and “Dick” are bosom buddies and will never be separated. God then said to “Eve”, “I guess you get the last enhancement, it’s called “Multiple Orgasms”. He gave it to “Eve” who asked, “What the hell do I do with this?” God said, “Dick will show you” and then he left and went back to his pad upstairs to watch what would happen to his creations with their new toys.

“Mada” and “Eve” decided to sit down and discuss roles. She told him to go out and work all day and provide the food to eat, the place to live and any other things that he found to be fun to provide. She would stay home and cook the meals, clean the house and make him happy after dark. “Sounds good to me ” thought “Mada” although he didn’t have a clue what she meant about making him happy after dark. He was already happy, or so he thought. So, after supper, “Eve” stayed home to wash the dishes and “Mada” went out to walk the dog. Things just didn’t get any better than this.

God sat back in his big lazy-God chair and surveyed what he had done, and he was happy too. A good job done, this was definitely Job-1. Well, almost. The God guy forgot one thing. Once you create a new project and finish it, you have to provide for some maintenance to keep things in tip-top running order. Of course, God forgot to do this. So, alas, all good things come to an end some time. God realised that he had pulled another “boner” and forgot to put away enough dough to maintain the 2 creations and their pet in the “nedefonedrag”. He only had enough funds to sustain the environment for a few more months. After that, he would have to tell them to contract themselves out to the big world outside.

A few days after God had left them, while “Mada” was out with that damn dog, “Eve” got another visitor. A little slithery thing slid into her kitchen while she was cleaning the supper dishes. The little creature said to “Eve”. “Hi gorgeous, you’re looking leggy today”. “How would you like some desert to go with your supper”. “Eve” was intrigued since she was getting sick of having the same old same old for dinner all the time. She needed a distraction, something exciting and tasty. “What do you have in mind little slithery thing” asked “Eve”. “Pick me up,” He said. She did and he slithered out of her hands and nestled between her 2’s. “Now, tell me what you are thinking” said “Eve”. “By the way, what is your name?” she asked. “My name is Sneaky Snake” he said. “I’m going to show you something that will change the way we do business from now on”. “Eve” thought that was really interesting so she said, “show me what you have in mind, Sneaky”. Little Sneaky took her outside, led her down the garden path right over to the place where “Mada” used to sit for days looking at the shiny round smooth thing hanging from the tree. Sneaky said, “see that there thing, “Eve”. “You can eat it and it will taste really good”. “Eve” pulled the round shiny thing off the tree. Clouds formed in the sky and thunder started to roll. “Don’t worry about that” said Sneaky. “Taste it”. She took a bite. It tasted good. She took another bite, and another, and another, until it was all gone. All of a sudden, she started to feel funny. “Oh, I don’t feel so good”, said “Eve”. She looked down and saw that she was naked as a jay bird. She began to feel sexy and desirous. Sneaky Snake just curled up between her breasts and enjoyed the ride. “Eve” began to feel like she was missing something. A special feeling overcame her and she just had to have a snake, oops, I mean a “Mada”. So she went looking for “Mada”, poor guy. She found him over on the beach. He saw “Eve” coming and said, “Hey “Eve”, guess what? I finally figured out what to do with “Dick”. Beside him were a pile of clams and little holes all over the place.” “Eve” said, come here “Mada”, I’ve got another use for “Dick”. So, “Mada” and “Eve” went up the hill and found out what “Dick’s” real use was.

God watched all this on channel “69”. He also heard all the dialogue on his surround sound system that he had just invented. He wouldn’t take it down to earth just yet. He didn’t think electricity would be invented for a few million years. He watched as “Eve” showed “Mada” what “Dick’s” job really was, over and over and over again until “Dick” was almost ready to divorce himself from “Mada” and run away. Sneaky Snake thought all the sighing and yelling were a little bit loud so he slithered off “Eve’s” 2’s and went outside to have a smoke. Peace and quiet finally reigned again in the “nedefonedrag” but not for long. God gave the pair 5 minutes after their last encounter. Then he said, “Ok you guys, coffee break’s over, it’s time for you guys to go forth and multiply”. “I’m kicking you out of the “nedefonedrag” so it’s time to fish or cut bait. “Mada” didn’t know what God was talking about, as usual. Little Sneaky heard all this and said to God, “But Sir, I’m just an adder”. God heard this and dropped a ten key calculator on him. “There, use that,” he said. “But sir, I don’t have any fingers” said Sneaky. God didn’t hear him because he was off on another tangent looking for a way to get rid of the “nedefonedrag” so “Mada” and “Eve” would have to leave. “Hocus Pocus, Ta Miniocus”, said God. “Poof,” the “nedefonedrag” disappeared. Now “Mada”, “Eve”, dog and Sneaky all found themselves on a raft in the middle of the biggest storm any of them had ever seen. On the horizon was a large dark shape that seemed to be floating in the water.

Another chapter in the history of mankind was about to begin.

Years passed by, eons, millenia. Time flowed like sand through an hour-glass. “Eve” and “Mada” had kids, who also had kids. Kids had kids. Other kids had kids. There was a lot of kidding going around. It was the sport of the ages. The roles of women never wavered. Women had kids and stayed home to look after them. They changed diapers., fed them, taught them in the ways of the world. Women made clothes for the kids, counselled them in the ways of their civilisations. Women were the mothers of the human population. Men, on the other hand, made war. Men killed men in the name of right. They even thought that they had God on their side every time they went out and killed someone in "HIS" name. This made God very angry. He didn’t make his little creations so one of them could go around killing everything in sight, just for the hell of it. He was fast getting fed up with the creations that resembled the “Madas” of the world. He thought that the creations that Ressembled the “Eves” of the world were more like what he wanted. Men were the scourge of the earth. “Why oh why did I ever make “Mada””, God wondered. “What a mistake”. “I will never use a prototype approach ever again” he thought. Of course, God never stopped to reason that “Mada” was quite alright until he dropped “Eve” into his lap. If there had never been an “Eve”, there would never have been any wars because there would never have been any more “Madas”. Maybe Sneaky and “Mada” would have combined to make something a little more interesting, who knows! Genetics are a wonderful thing. Test tube Sneakies that walk and talk like a “Mada”. Just the thought of it boggles the imagination. So life went on. The “Eve’s” of the world stayed home, raised kids, spent all their husbands hard earned money on frivolous things like nail polish, lipstick, deodorant, tampons, brassieres, pantyhose, dresses, high-heeled pumps, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Economies were created for the “Eve’s” of the world to spend their money. Whole economic systems were set up to keep the “Eve’s” of the world occupied while the men went out to kill each other off so they wouldn’t have to go home to “the little woman.” The men invented blood sports, football, hockey, rollerderby, car racing, religion to spawn a new type of killing. Gladiator worship. Save a lion, kill a Christian. All that sort of stuff. The women loved it. Something in their feral instinct was excited by the killing of the male of the species. Things began to get out of hand. The male of the species began to disappear at an alarming rate. All the best ones were being killed off and only the wimps and nerds were left to propagate and procreate with the female of the species.

That didn’t sit too well with the “Eve’s” of the world. There were fewer and fewer men left to compete for husband positions in the world. Ads for females seeking male companionship were receiving less and less interest. Yahoo and Google were going out of business. Women began to worry that their biological clocks would tick out before they could create a replacement. God saw this and thought, “Man, I gotta do something about this”. “Another few million years and my experiment will peter out.” “Only the dogs of the world will be left”. Little dog didn’t have any of these problems. He kept his role intact and never wavered from the one he was originally assigned by God way back in the early days of the “nedefonedrag.” No problems in the doggie world. He still gave unconditional love to his masters. Meanwhile, the “Eve’s” of the world talked things over and agreed that they would have to create a new role for themselves if they were going to survive Y2K.

They began by going out and getting jobs. They took some of the jobs that men didn’t want to do, like delivering newspapers, doing secretarial work, typing, filing, all the stuff that real men wouldn’t do. That was ok for a while. The money that came in allowed the women to spend more. With more money to spend, economies grew, prices went up. Men got raises, women didn’t. Women very quickly realised that they were being treated unfairly. They wanted equal pay for equal work. However, all the bosses were men and they kept to the old boys mentality. Men, yes, women, no. Men still thought of women as house wives, cheerleaders, bedroom fixtures, cooks, maids, and such. Women were allowed to do the jobs that men didn’t want to do. Men still wore the pants in the family, women wore the panties which, of course, were a disposable item. The women soon came to realise that men thought of them as baby factories, slave labor, house sitters, gophers, etcetera. They were not being appreciated for their contributions to the family. Men were out enjoying themselves while the women worked their buns off at home. Men went out with the boys, played or watched sports. They left the home front to the women of the world. They assumed the role that God gave “Mada” way back when there were no unions or women’s groups to cry foul. Women began talking among themselves again. They were getting the short end of the proverbial “Dick.” They were fed up with being treated like inferior beings in their minds. God was wrong. They were given ambition for a reason. They wanted more out of life. Men were smothering their ability to get ahead and be happy in their wretched little lives. There wasn’t a happy woman on the planet. A revolt was brewing. Women were going to come out of the closet and take over the world from the men who were screwing it up. Wars would not be fought any more although they served a good purpose in reducing the male population of the species. Trouble was, all the best men were being removed and the women were left with the weak ones, the ones that no women would want to copulate with to propagate the species. All the biggest 1’s, the longest 1’s, the hardest 1’s were fast disappearing. Women couldn’t enjoy sex any more because the quality of the 1’s just wasn’t there. Some companies began to produce products which would enhance the men’s 1’s, make it longer, harder, that sort of thing. Women began to turn to one another for satisfaction. Men, seeing this trend, began to turn to each other for help too. Pretty soon, a sexual revolution began. God saw this and was flabbergasted. “How dare they,” he thought. That’s what happens when the product is not thoroughly tested before it is implemented. “I’ll fix them.,” he thought. Pretty soon, women began changing their roles. They stopped wearing dresses. They burned their bras. They began taking men’s jobs. They began cutting their hair short, and shorter, and shorter. They stopped wearing make-up. They started wearing boots instead of high-heels. They started wearing ties. Men began staying home to look after the house. They started washing the dishes, doing the laundry, changing the diapers, driving the kids to school, cooking the meals, making the beds and having coffee with their neighbours. They became “soccer dads”. Eventually women got to the top of the job ladder. They began running companies, holding executive positions. They fired men just for looking at them and hired only women for the job positions. Pretty soon, not a women was unemployed who wanted a job. Men found getting jobs very difficult unless they were jobs that women didn’t want, like delivering newspapers, driving taxi cabs, collecting garbage or waiting on tables in cheap dingy restaurants. Even male strip clubs became popular where men would take off their clothes to the tunes of Tom Jones and slide around a shiney metal pole for the enjoyment of the ladies in the audience. Men also began wearing female clothes for the enjoyment of the women clientele. Some men even got sex change operations so they could have babies just like the women used to. Things were getting bad fast. There was a complete role reversal. Women were happy and men were not. But, wars were stopped, men didn’t get killed off any more. Women controlled their men, delivered sexual favours when they felt like it. They had more than one man in case a backup was needed if one didn’t satisfy the mistress or if the mistress decided a “menage a trois” was more fun. The human race had become a complete mess.

God had decided that this situation just couldn’t go on any longer. He was going to do something about it. He finally decided that it was time to replace his two projects with something that saved money and didn’t take as many resources to maintain. It had to be more cost effective and more efficient than the previous application of human technology. He had a brainstorm and decided to do a complete about face and it would cost him very little because the pieces for the new replacement project were already in place. So, God went, “Hocus Pocus, Abra Cadaver, Open Sesame,” and some other crap which is proprietary and can’t be repeated. “Poof”, all the men and women, butches and lesbians, fags and queers, disappeared from the face of the earth. Things got very quiet, for a little while. Then, from a distance you could hear a “woof, hsssss”, “ Wooooof, Hsssssssss”. The sound got louder and louder and louder until it became a dull roar. Eventually it died down so God decided to go down to earth and check on his new project. He walked along the street until he came to some of the earth’s remaining inhabitants. “Oh, hi Sneaky Snake, hi dog”, said God. The planet is all yours now to do whatever you want. “Have a good time”.

And that is how Sneaky Snake and Dog got to live happily ever after…..UNTIL……the God person started fooling with the “C.A.T.” project.